Chapter 8 - Maintaining intimate relationships.

Question 1

What is the best way to maintain a intimate relationship, through communication?

Answer 1

Communicate well when it matters.

- identify your fears of the subject.

Question 2

What are the common fears around communication on tough subjects?

Answer 2

• Not understand
• Other person won’t listen
• Other person will get angry
• You may break up.

Question 3

What exercise creates a structure that allows both partners to be able to express their views and be understood by their partner.

Answer 3

The speaker-listener technique.

Question 4

What is the Speaker-listener technique.

Answer 4

The goal of this is to talk without fighting.

This is about understanding, not agreement.

Question 5

what is the key feature of Speaker-listener technique.

Answer 5

• It is based off of the active listening skill.

Question 6

What are the rules of the speaker?

Answer 6

• Speak for yourself
• Don’t go on and on
• Stop and let the listener paraphrase.

Question 7

What are the rules for the listener?

Answer 7

• Paraphrase what you hear

- Don’t rebut. Focus on what the speaker is saying.

Question 8

What are the rules for both speaker and listener?

Answer 8

• The speaker has the floor
• speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
• Share the floor.

Question 9

What is the general opinion of the Speaker - Listener technique?

Answer 9

It is very awkward and unnatural.

Question 10

True or false:

natural couple communication is not ideal in difficult situations.

Answer 10

True.

Question 11

Structured communication counteracts what within conflict?

Answer 11

• Escalation
• Invalidation
• Withdrawal
• Negative interpretations.

Question 12

Why does the Speaker - Listener technique work?

Answer 12

Because it is unnatural and forces both people to slow down and pay attention to the process,

Question 13

What is flooding?

Answer 13

A communication killer:
bringing up absolutely everything you can think of when having a discussion.

• never have a resolution

Question 14

What is mind reading?

Answer 14

A communication killer:

“I know what you are going to say….”

Question 15

What is Defensiveness?

Answer 15

A communication killer:
Concentrate on defending yourself rather than on what the other person is saying.

• “the problem isn’t me, it is you”

Question 16

What is frequency hoping

Answer 16

A communication killer:

- From topic to topic so quick that no resolution is possible.

Question 17

What is Yes-butting?

Answer 17

A communication killer.

- Not understanding, only defending

Question 18

What is Belligerence?

Answer 18

“what are you going to do about it?”

Question 19

Within relationships what is common with communication?

Answer 19

When one person is a good communicator, and the other is not. It makes the person who is not a good communicator want to communicate less.

Question 20

What are the three key aspects of maintaining intimacy?

Answer 20

• Capitalization
• Forgiveness
• Self expression

Question 21

What is Capitalization?

Answer 21

The sharing of positive events in one’s life.

Question 22

Why is Capitalization powerful?

Answer 22

• Allows us to relive the event
• see other are pleased with us
• Connects the positive event to relationship

Question 23

What is key for capitalization to be positive?

Answer 23

Reaction of the partner is key.

- responding in a active-constructive manner is associated with positive effects to occur from capitalization.

Question 24

What can cause the Failure to Capitalize?

Answer 24

Responding passively or destructively erodes goodwill between partners and leads to resentment.

Question 25

What is passive-constructive?

Answer 25

Nice job. When does the raise take effect.

Question 26

What is Active Destructive ( capitalization )

Answer 26

Whoa, that's way better than the last time you went for a merit raise. Remember how you nearly lost your job.

Question 27

What is Passive destruction (Capitalization)

Answer 27

I haven't had a raise in years, maybe I should look for a new job.

Question 28

What makes forgiveness such a powerful positive process?

Answer 28

When we forgive, it allows us to move on and be happy.

Question 29

What happens when forgiveness is not present?

Answer 29

Partners become excellent at keeping track of all your partners misdeeds.

Question 30

What is the first ingredient for forgiveness?

Answer 30

Motivation, on a intrapersonal level. The wronged partner wants to be kind to the other person, rather than feel anger and thirst for vengeance.

Question 31

What is the second ingredient for forgiveness?

Answer 31

Behavior, on a interpersonal level. The wronged partner lets the other know he or she no longer feels anger or thirst for revenge.

Question 32

If there is a change in intrapersonal motivation but no change in interpersonal behavior, it is called......

Answer 32

Silent forgiveness

Question 33

if there is a change in interpersonal behavior but no change in intrapersonal motivation, it is......

Answer 33

Hollow forgiveness

Question 34

What four items allow for forgiveness to be most likely.

Answer 34

1. transgression was minor 2. The victim has empathy, agreeableness, and a low level of neuroticism 3. The transgressor sincerely apologies. 4. The relationship contains a high level of commitment and satisfaction.

Question 35

What is the worst outcome of "forgiveness"

Answer 35

- Low level of negative behavior, with low levels of forgiveness.

Question 36

What are Novel activities?

Answer 36

Engaging in new novel activities with one's partner can foster self-expression.

Question 37

What is the self expression model?

Answer 37

As people learn about each other, they gain knowledge and resources, expanding their sense of self.

Question 38

Once you know someone well, it is difficult to maintain excitement. What is the best way to keep a sense of self-expansion?

Answer 38

Go do something new with your partner, that allows both partners to be successful. Find a activity that allows you to both enjoy the experience.

Question 39

What is Relationship maintenance?

Answer 39

Refers to the routine behaviors and strategies partners develop to help make sure their relationship will continue.

Question 40

What is the intimacy process model? | Three components.

Answer 40

- Disclosures and expression - perception and response - judgment made by self disclosing partner makes about themselves after expression.

Question 41

What is a interpretive filter?

Answer 41

The motivation of a persons needs, goals, and fears leading to the failure to pick up on the speakers needs, vulnerabilities, and intentions. Leading to dismissal of of speakers remarks as trivial or unimportant.

Question 42

What is Empathy?

Answer 42

The capacity to understand and share another person's thoughts and feelings.

Question 43

What are the four steps required for a persons behavior to be considered responsive?

Answer 43

1. Listen to initial disclosure. 2. Understand the superficial meaning conveyed in words, as well as subtle hidden messages 3. Respond in a way that reflects this understanding, perhaps including questions that encourage and draw the other person out. 4. Know whether, when, and how to make the transition to another topic.

Question 44

What is the Self-Expansion model

Answer 44

Based in two fundamental assumptions. 1. regardless of relationship status, people naturally want to increase their capacity and effectiveness as individuals to achieve their goals. 2. Intimate relationships are a common way people attempt to enhance their identity and expand what they are capable of achieving.

Question 45

What is social integration?

Answer 45

Stronger social ties and interconnections. Women have been social integration than men.

Question 46

What is the Broaden-and-build theory?

Answer 46

The experience and expression of positive emotions serve two purposes; 1. to enhance how we think about and respond to countless events in daily life. 2. to build the resources for maintaining our well-being. (Physical health, mental health, social connections....).

Question 47

What is the impact stage of forgiveness?

Answer 47

Partners learn of the transgression and begin to recognize the effect it has on them.

Question 48

What is the meaning stage of forgiveness?

Answer 48

The offended partner tries to make sense of why the incident occurred.

Question 49

What is the moving-on stage of forgiveness?

Answer 49

The victim finds a way to adjust to, and move on from the incident.

Question 50

What is forgiveness?

Answer 50

The idea that feelings of hurt and anger, and the desire to retaliate, are transformed in such a way that the person who has been slighted adopts a generous, unselfish attitude towards the offender.