1
Q
SEMCDR model
A
source, encoder, message, channel, decoder, receiver
- originally created for technological purposes, then applied to communication
- source and encoder usually same person
- decoder and receiver also usually same person
- but sometimes need another person-a translator, telegraph man
2
Q
SEMCDR model-source:
A
person who has the idea to be
3
Q
SEMCDR model-encoder:
A
takes the thoughts of source and puts into form (code) someone else will understand (the receiver gets the message in the end)
4
Q
SEMCDR model-decoder:
A
taking things out of these forms and putting them into ideas and thoughts
5
Q
SEMCDR model-message
A
3 aspects: code, content, treatment
6
Q
SEMCDR model-message: code
A
meaningfully structured grouping of symbols-shared symbol system (a language, for ex)
7
Q
SEMCDR model-message: content
A
the beginning to the end of the message
8
Q
SEMCDR model-message: treatment
A
the style-your energy, relationship to person, tone, in what way you mean it
9
Q
double bind
A
clash between verbal and nonverbal-or between content and treatment-this is sarcasm or when clearly lying based on tone/body language-when there is a ind, we tend to go w/ nonverbal treatment-because it’s easier to lie with words than body
10
Q
SEMCDR model-channel
A
radio, letter, TV, a lot of channels are media-in what way you transmit the message-could just be face to face talking
11
Q
fidelity
A
relates to SEMCDR model-also comes from tech world
12
Q
high fidelity
A
message that gets through as it was originally said w/o any distortion
13
Q
noise
A
the other fidelity-anything that interferes with fidelity, distorts the message
-have both internal and external noise
14
Q
internal noise
A
anything occurring within the individual (source or receiver), interfering with the communication process-like being distracted (cuz of mood, thoughts, feelings), hungry
15
Q
external noise
A
anything occurring in the external world (physical or social) that affects the message getting through-too hot or loud to concentrate/hear-outside distractions
16
Q
feedback
A
a response to the message
- can tell how well the message from the original source is getting across-here the receiver becomes the source and the source becomes the receiver-constantly switching back and forth
- affects fidelity-person can ask Qs, other can clarif
17
Q
circular model
A
any model that incorporates feedback
-linear model is just a lecture
18
Q
4 systems of communication
A
intrapersonal, interpersonal, small group, mass
- as gets bigger, more impersonal, limits on feedback, less dynamic
- some things can go through all these, can be combo-like emails, blogs-it’s not always easy to designate a type of communication
19
Q
intrapersonal communication
A
most basic and fundamental form-communication with yourself
20
Q
interpersonal communication
A
communication between 2 people-dynamic, lots of feedback, sometimes called dyadic communication (dyad=2)
21
Q
small group communication
A
- begins when you add a 3rd person
- people see themselves as a member of a group, everyone knows each other (by name or sight), everyone has ability to be a source
- could be up to 50 but usually smaller-more conceptual than numbers
- for upper limit-if you see someone else new, not a member and you can tell-it’s a small group
- if it someone not present and can tell-small group
- if can’t tell in either scenario, mass
- mediated small group communication: group text, conference calls
22
Q
mass communication
A
- big group communication, many strangers
- mediated mass communication: mass email sent from prof. to class, usually 1 person communicating to many people-somewhat impersonal
23
Q
mediation
A
physical inanimate thing coming in between 2 or more things (source and receiver)-typically removing them from face to face contact, but allowing them to communicate-like a phone (mediated interpersonal communication)
-can be channels-some channels mediated, others not-mediated intrapersonal=reading your journal
24
Q
Perception
A
the complex process by which we perceive organize, and interpret all our sensory stimuli into something
-we can break perception down into reception and analysis
25
reception
relatively automatic and mechanical -the operation of our senses
26
analysis
more active-involves focusing, organizing, interpreting
27
how do we selectively perceive things?-factors influencing selection and perception
- factors within the object/stimuli in the world
| - factors within ourselves
28
factors influencing selection and perception w/ the objects/stimuli
1) we tend to focus on that which is easy or obvious
2) intensity-intense colors, sounds, behaviors-we tend to select for that which is intense
3) contrast-we tend to select for that which is in contrast to other thing-stands out because different-contrast used a lot by advertisements
4) repetition-that which is repeated-used in learning a lot-the idea behind commercial slogans
- these are not mutually exclusive-something can fit into more than 1 of these categories
29
factors influencing selection and perception within ourselves
1) past learning experiences-things that we learn can influence our perception-even if what we've learned isn't true-if made generalization based on a few people of a group, "learned" that's the way those people are, so look for and jump on that when meet other members of the group=affects perception-phobias also fit into this category
2) culture-what is familiar to your culture, what you've experienced cuz of your culture, affects your culture-lots of studies/experiments done on this-some cultural diff.s even within societies-maybe due to ethnicity or race-there are subcultural differences-cuz have had diff. experiences/histories
3) Language (also a part of culture)- Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis-your language determines the way you perceive reality/the world-diff languages have diff vocab-but lots of criticism of this theory-but evidence bilingual speakers seem to think and perceive differently depending on the language using, so some truth to theory-our language predisposes our interpretation and perception or reality
* **human beings shape culture and language, which in turn shapes them
4) Motivation-based on what's important to you-your motives
5) Stereotypes-generalizations we make about attributes of members of a group=we get these generalizations from a variety of places-our families, personal experience, the mass media-they influence perception-but oftentimes these are wrong-problematic cuz they influence our perception-diff. people can perceive the same actions carried out by diff groups in completely diff ways-reinforce what we already believe-stereotypes not necessarily negative-but usually have a negative twist-allows us to maintain some feeling of superiority-don't change until meet so many exceptions that change it-so best way to fix it is to have groups meet/mingle
6) roles-gender roles, occupational roles, family roles-will select for diff things based on roles play in life-selectively perceive diff things
7) mood/emotional state
8) attitude-the value of thoughts and feelings we have on people or things-having favorable vs unfavorable attitude towards a sports team, a candidate
9) psychological characteristics
- selective exposure-our tendency to only expose ourselves to messages we agree with-not gonna go to church if you're an atheist-expose yourself to things you want to hear
- selective attention-our tendency to pay attention to messages we agree with and not those we don't
- selective retention-tendency of people to remember messages/aspects of a message they agree with, forget those they don't
30
Language
- any system of symbols used to communicate
| - there are different types of symbols-here we're talking about verbal language, so symbols=words
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Words
1) stand for/refer to things in world
- reference
- word/thing relationship is arbitrary, decided and agreed upon by people-no natural connection between word and thing-there are exceptions to onomatopoeia, for ex-but weird that diff languages have diff onomatopoeic words for the same thing
2) perform actions with words-saying "I do" at a wedding=part of the act of getting married-cursing part of being angry-saying "I promise is part of making a deal/commitment
3) words evoke emotions=can be moved by words, or hurt
4) words can be used to reduce uncertainty-can reduce uncertainty by asking questions, clarifying
5) express complexities/complex ideas-related to the fact that they're key to solving problems, making arguments, developing relationships
6) promote human contact
32
problems words have when they serve this function (stand for/refer to things in world)
- bypassing
- abstraction
- euphemism
- relative language
- static evaluation
- language is limited, but reality is virtually unlimited
- subcultural differences
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problems words have when they serve this function: bypassing
using diff words with the same meaning or the same word with different meanings-can frame/word things better than another even if essentially the same thing-fluorentine in water vs. H-2-Flow on Parks and Rec
-equivocation: simply means many words and phrases have more than 1 meaning besides definition-can be cleared up through feedback, paraphrasing, clarification-but equivocation is not always a bad thing
34
problems words have when they serve this function: abstraction
generalizing about similarities between or among people, things, events-we speak at diff levels of abstraction/generality-we have a ladder of abstraction-if too general, can lead to problems/misunderstandings, stereotypes, generalizations, unclear directions so bad results, leave you unclear about your own thoughts but not always a bad thing-but can be
35
problems words have when they serve this function: euphemism
a pleasant term substituted for a blunt one-soften the impact of info that might be unpleasant-but the problem is it can make your true message unclear-sometimes to be nice but sometimes lying-don't want to disrupt clarity or compromise your integrity
36
problems words have when they serve this function: relative language
sometimes words really only gain meaning through comparison- relative words-depends who you're asking-"inexpensive", "big"-big compared to what?
37
problems words have when they serve this function: static evaluation
refers to using words to make reality seem more concrete/unchanging/static than it really is-"you can always count on Mark"-"alex is boring"-"amy is a nervous person"-putting someone in a category, assuming that's just who they are, always that way-date and time your observations to fix this-often situational-don't go off 1st impression-overgeneralizing something in the present/past to apply to future
38
problems words have when they serve this function: language (symbol system, vocab) is limited but reality is virtually unlimited
this can be problematic-can't always differentiate enough-make more distinctions in reality than have words for-some things can't really be put into words, can't be taught through just words, need to show-like teaching a kid to tie shoes, ride a bike-we will never be able to fully describe something because language is limited
39
problems words have when they serve this function: subcultural differences
we all use language differently-racial and ethnic and class and job and regional and music subcultures-all speak differently-can cause confusion-have diff slang, terms, sometimes spread to other subcultures though, no longer confused-like "hella" from the Bay Area
40
there are cultural diff.s on the use of language:
1) elaborate vs. succinct styles of language use-Arabic vs. cultures where silence is valued, like Japanese
2) level of formality=formal vs. informal styles of language
41
English
- more people speak english than any other language-many's 2nd or 3rd language
- english has become language of international diplomacy
- english has become language of international commerce
- english has become language of scientific discourse
- english is the language of air traffic control
- the use of english far and wide is not w/o its problems-translation mistakes
42
Profanity
- as w/ all languages, the use of profanity varies from place to place, form subculture to subculture
- NYC in particular uses a lot of profanity-why? stress of high pressure jobs in big city-tolerance for ppl with different behaviors-anonymity of residents
- tied to social circumstances
- profanity has lost some of its punch-cuz less forbidden now, more widespread
- "fuck" has become so pervasive it can be any part of speech-substittue for many words used to say-also spliced into words-widespread-so it's lost a lot of its impact and shock value-less used in graffiti
- why has it become so widespread? media (movies, TV), 1960s ideology (brought speech patterns to more educated classes), the feminist movement (for spreading cussing to women), american lifestyle has become increasingly casual, music (esp. rock)
- those words that are most forbidden have changed over time-used to be more restricted words were related to religion (19th century)-then by 20th century, sexual words-by 21st, now gender and racial and ethnic slurs-as america becomes more concerned with equality issues
43
Intimacy
- the desire to connect with other people-a powerful force
- that's why the end of an intimate relationship is so painful, whether through a breakup, or death
- intimacy arises from closeness-has several dimensions
- need some distance and privacy in the closest of relationships
- intimacy takes time and effort-can't be intimate with everyone, not enough time
- relationships without intimacy can be good as well
44
dimensions of intimacy
1) physical dimension-physical contact, touch
2) intellectual intimacy-exchange of important ideas
3) emotional intimacy
4) shared activities
45
gender differences in intimacy
- women more likely to open up, open to sharing thoughts, positive feelings
- women form close bongs through talk, men form close bonds through doing things together
- also relates to sex-for many women, sex is to express an intimacy that has already been created-for men, sex can be a way to create intimacy in the first place
- cultural diff.s too-expression of intimacy varies from time to time, place to place-verbal communication between spouses used to be more formal-culture heavily influences expression of intimacy too-whether acceptable to kiss in public
46
Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others?
- sometimes we have no choice-parents, siblings-arranged marriages-sometimes people we work with, don't really choose
- but usually we an choose-based on what? social status, attractiveness, common interests, chemistry, chemistry, sense of humor, values, culture, background, wealth, friendliness, religion, education level, personality
47
Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
1. physical appearance
2. Similarity
3. complementarity
4. reciprocity
5 exchange
6. Competency
7. Proximity
8. Disclosure
48
Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
1. physical appearance
- important in early stages of a relationship-more attractive you are, more people will want to hang out with you again-other factors not as important at first-attractive people automatically perceived as more nice, interesting, etc. than others-get away with more-we're more likely to help attractive people, even if they don't ask-less likely to ask them for help-goes well into middle age
- subjectivity does play a part, but seems to mostly have strong agreement across countries and difference groups on who is attractive
- across cultures, men tend to be attracted in women to big eyes, delicate jaws, full lips, small noses, thin waist, luscious hair-show high estrogen levels, sign of youth
- what women find attractive in men-more complicated-taller, wide shoulders, long jaw, sign of testosterone-but can change based on where she is in menstrual cycle
- what has been biologically advantageous to species is to select for attractiveness
- they are historical and cultural diff.s
- nut mostly standards of what we find attractive mostly hold up over time, around the world
- 3 month old children-before culture can even kick in-will state longer/prefer more attractive faces
- symmetry selected for/beautiful-related to health
- ordinary people with good personalities perceived as more attractive
- physical factors become less important as relationships progress
- physical attractiveness important for women and men-but more so for men-cues to fertility-youth and appearance-while women place greater value on class/financial status/ambition
49
Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
2. Similarity
comforting to know someone who likes and dislikes the same things as you-validates us-similar values-sometimes same religion, race, class, education level
- we are drawn to people who we perceive as like us
- comfortable with them cuz can predict what they'll like
- shared attitudes more important than shared personalities
- too much similarity can be boring
- similarity in ability and intelligence very important
- we can be drawn to diff.s in others though-complementarity
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Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
3. Complementarity
- Diff.s can strengthen a relationship when they are complementary
- characteristics of 1 can satisfy needs of the others
- help each other, balance each other, meet each others' needs
- good when partners agree to exercise control over diff. domains of relationship-so diff. strengths useful
- strains can occur when control issues come up, both want to control same thing
- keeps relationship interesting
- so good to have both similarities and differences
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Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
4. Reciprocity
- you liking someone and them liking you back-bolsters out self esteem
- especially early on in relationship, like that someone likes us-favor them-influences you to see them differently, like them
- conversely, we don't like when people don't like us/attack us/are indifferent towards us
- even just thinking someone may like you, that you have a chance, can be an important factor, rather than thinking they're out of your league
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Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
5. exchange
- we seek out people who can give us rewards/benefits (emotional, physical, etc.) that are greater than or equal to the cost involved with dealing with those people-and there are always costs
- are they worth the effort
- as we go along in life, we develop certain expectations of how many benefits we deserve-what level attractiveness, wealth, etc.-so even if benefits greater than cost, if don't meet what you think deserve, will reject them-this especially happens in relationships, based on past relationships
- if another may give you more benefits, may leave person you're with for them
- works with business relationships and friendships too
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Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
6. Competency
- we like competent and talented people
- attracted to types of skills we wish we had, people we wish we could become
- but not so competent as to make us uncomfortable cuz we look bad by comparison
54
Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
7. proximity
- being near to each other
- likely to develop friendship with someone you interact with often
- why long distance relationships are challenging-but better now because of technology
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Why do we form intimate relationships with some people and not others? What does science say?
8. Disclosure
- telling people important into about yourself-will build liking
- we can learn how we're similar
- also when someone discloses to us, it's a form of respect and trust, we tend to like them
- we also tend to like people more after we've disclosed to them
- self disclosure is also a good measure of the depth of a relationship-the more you reveal, the closer you are
- there has to be a back and forth-reciprocation
- disclosure must be appropriate for the time and stage of the relationship
56
same sex vs. opposite sex couples
operate pretty much the same-same sex couples may behave diff not cuz of their sexual orientation but just cuz the sexes involved-because both female or both male
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Flirting
- universal among humans-women send similar signals to let someone know they're interested in them around world
- she might give him a coy look
- guy might stare-striking gaze-stretch, flex
- will stare at potential mate for 2-3 seconds-physical changes will occur-pupils dilate-indicates extreme interest-then look away
- the gaze elicits a response-nonverbal acknowledgment-to indicate availability-if doesn't get this, won't do well-ignore or smile-positive or negative
- displacement gestures
- if he/she returns your gaze, positive-smile=really positive
- if not, rejection
- men send out "notice me" signals to people interested in-
- submissive displays by man-"I am harmless"
- if woman acknowledges gaze, man comes over, engage in pretty meaningless convo-tone important, laughing to flirt-then can start to learn things about them to attract or repel you
- talk begins with phatic communication
- if you like what you hear, touch may occur-often begins by lessening the space between you-cues must be returned here to progress-reciprocity-female tends to touch first-if he returns, they've surmounted a huge barrier well known to the animal kingdom-may achieve body sync unconsciously-start mirroring each other-must have reciprocity, reaffirm each other's moves-usually the male takes some dominant role at some point
58
coy
(coy=to be artfully shy)
-women are hard wired for coyness-by 1 or 2 little girls in all cultures tend to hide their eyes from strangers, even blind girls do this-not learned behavior, not imitated from others-little boys don't do this
59
promise-withdraw
if need man for child's survival prospects-gets in mating position, then withdraws-want sot make it hard enough to get her that she'll be sure he'll stay around, test his seriousness-also show er seriousness and commitment
60
"solitary dance"
-women places herself in man's line of sight, moves her body to music, show potentially interested in dancing
61
flirting-evolutionary
- Darwin argued it's the woman who chooses the man-we focus too much on 2nd stage-approach-but she eyes him or picks up on his look and accepts it/responds first
- smile at admirer, life eyebrows up, open eyes wider, then looks away
- from an evolutionary perspective, about passing on the maximum offspring-but payoff differs for men and women-woman has 9 months commitment, and usually raises child-men can have sex once then leave-plus a woman only has so much time and so many eggs-so women must be selective-wants a man with good genetics to produce the best possible offspring-but what pays for a man is sexual relations with a large variety of women-but a woman needs a guy who will commit time and resources-relates to coyness-can be seen as a way to test a partner for commitment-this tendency towards coyness not seen in species where female doesn't need male (to enhance survival prospects of child)-so they just assert their sexual interest, get in posture for mating
- an awful lot of flirting occurs subconsciously
- t's part of our shared animal heritage
- "I am harmless" gestures and postures-submissive displays-Darwin found this in early mating stages-one is placement of hand-hand on leg-or shoulder shrug-tilt neck
- being playful and childish another way to express harmlessness
- see this in other species too-like wolves-usually assert dominance, but in sexual encounters, start out playful
- so we go through the ritual of courtship much like other mammals
- so explains how much of flirting is universal, and subconscious physical signs, don't have to be taught-hard wired
62
displacement gestures
-playing with some object, displacing nervous energy elsewhere to alleviate anxiety while you're deciding what to do-whether to acknowledge them or not
63
"notice me" signals
men: stretch, adjust clothes-older men may use jewelry or clothing to indicate successful
- women place themselves in man's line of sight-promenade to bathroom and back-"notice me" signals-solitary dance
64
phatic communication
indirect talk/communication to open up a channel of communication-icebreaker-establish if other person wants to talk to you or not-engage in small talk-about non threatening common knowledge, immediate environment-small talk helps calm you if you're nervous-lets you experience the other person before really getting to know them-are they obnoxious or nice-allows you to feel how you feel about the other person-don't ask personal Qs too soon, don't ask a lot of Qs, don't ask judgmental Qs, don't talk too much about yourself, politics, religion
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Kinesis
- body movement in flirting
- we can give diff messages with this
- There will always be ambiguity in these actions
- travel in same sex packs (and small groups)
- Men are less aware of everything going on in flirting than women are-men are more likely to misinterpret
66
Kinesis-space
a woman can seem interested if she lets a man enter her space (ex: turns toward him, enters his personal space)
-There will always be ambiguity in these actions
67
-One of the most powerful parts of the body
eyes
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Kinesis-Eyes
- eye contact can be meaningful even if just a few seconds
- can get initial attention with eyes
- can be met with confusion
- Corroboration-to support with additional proof-guy will gaze then will gaze again to confirm to her she's right in assuming he likes her-can also be helped with a smile
- can best express our emotions
69
problems with eyes
- staring (=to attach)
- types of stares: gawking (stare with mouth open), glare (can express aggression), winks
- can't use eyes to look below the neck or up and down (elevator eyes)
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10 stages of relationships
1) Initiating Stage
2) Experimenting
3) Intensifying
4) Integrating
5) Bonding
6) Differentiating
7) Circumscribing
8) Stagnation
9) Avoiding
10) Terminating
- not all relationships go through these exact stages, this is an outline
- These categories can be intermixed-1 stage predominates-you're mostly in 1 stage but some in others
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10 stages of relationships: 1) Initiation stage
- showing you're interested in someone else and you're worth meeting
- brief handshake
- allows the message, "I'm nice and friendly and want to meet you"
- Phatic communication (open a channel)
- Offering-putting yourself in a favorable position to that person
- Networking and getting a person to introduce you
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10 stages of relationships: 2) Experimenting
- After first contact, search for common ground
- ask questions to find out what you share
- a way of "auditioning" another person. You are trying to decide if you want to go further.
- As time goes along, we ask fewer questions and disclose more
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most flirting occurs in stage(s)...
1 and 2
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10 stages of relationships: 3) Intensifying
- can say "I really like spending time with you"
- spending more time together
- get to know friend and family
- commitment grows but doubt is in this stage still
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10 stages of relationships: 4) Integrating
- they take on an identity as a social unit
- begin being seen as a pair
- common property emerges ("our __")
- sense of obligation grows (ex: for resources)
- requests are made more straightforwardly
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10 stages of relationships: 5) Bonding
- symbolic gestures made to show the world you're in a relationship and exclusivity
- getting married, wearing rings
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10 stages of relationships: 6) Differentiating
- There's a we, but still a need for an I
- can occur during 1st big fight
- In house when Leo does something right-"I love our dog"-when wrong, "Look what your dog did"
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10 stages of relationships: 7) Circumscribing
- decline in quality and quantity of communication
| - less romance and sex
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10 stages of relationships: 8) Stagnation
- "going through the motions"
| - no joy or growth
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10 stages of relationships: 9) Avoiding
- excuses
| - don't talk to them
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10 stages of relationships: 10) Terminating
- desire to disassociate from each other
- to end relationship strategies:
- cost escalation: want relationship to end but don't have guts to say it-so increase cost so other person will end it
- Pseudo de-escalation: want relationship to end but don't want to say so, ask to "slow down"
- Withdrawal: stop seeing the other person as much
- Fait accompli (fact accomplished): the plain "we're over"
- Relationship talk: "we have to talk"-you analyze what's gone wrong
- This stage can be short or long
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Nonverbal communication
- more nonverbal communication than verbal
- More about feelings, preferences, and attitudes
- Kinesis (body movement)
- Paralanguage
- Space
- Time
- Artifacts
- Environment
- context important for nonverbal communication
- all culturally variable-also speaks to context0cultural context
- nonverbal communication often packaged-occur together, correspond to each other, compliment each other
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Kinesis: emblem
- a body movement that's directly translatable to a word or phrase (the ok hand sign, the peace hand sign)
- cultural variablity-diff places have diff emblems-same gesture can mean diff things in diff langs-but some emblems are universal, even among other species-like "yuck" face, scowl
- diff body parts designated for diff emblems
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Kinesis: illustrates
- body movements accompanying and illustrating verbal movements
- depict direction, gesturing with hands with talking, demonstrate what did in story-can be used as repetition, to repeat what you're saying
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Kinesis: Affect Display
- body movements conveying emotion-usually facial expressions, but not always
- 6 basic universal facial expressions-surprise, disgust, sadness, fear, happiness, anger
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Kinesis: Regulators
- things we do with our body that maintain and coordinate and regulate the back and forth nature and flow of a conversation
- ex: can tell speaker to continue with a nod-or a look of confusion t ask someone to elaborate
- turn taking-we use body cues to move back and forth, take turns-can raise index finger or open mouth to indicate you want to speak-can also keep another from taking their turn through these-look away while talking, ignore their cues
- indicate that you want to end a convo by looking away, looking at phone
- we open and close a convo with our bodies
- cultural differences with all these-some of these are socially learned
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Kinesis: Adaptors
- body movements that help you feel comfortable in/adapt to a situation-fidget or jiggle foot up and down to release nervous energy
- some adaptors are also culturally variable, but a lot are just idiosyncratic-diff people do diff things-and some things are shared
- object adaptors-play with objects to help you feel comfortable
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Kinesis: other things (not neatly categorized)
- physique
- posture
- the way you walk communicates something about you
- odor is important-how someone smells communicates things to us-subconscious
- body heat also communicates-shake someone's hand and it's cold and clammy
- touch
- eyes and eyebrows
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Kinesis: other things (not neatly categorized)-touch
- affirmative gestures-like kissing
- touching behavior sends messages too-tickling, kissing *PDA)-and how kiss-agressive, needy-lips and tongue among most sensitive part of body
- other species approximate the kiss
- also to reassure someone-is it an indication of how close you are or does it make a difference in making you closer?
- hand holding
- touch can reduce stress
- touch is culturally variable
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Kinesis: other things (not neatly categorized)-eyes and eyebrows
- eyes are very important in sending messages-first thing we look at-culturally variable-eye contact important in our culture and many others, but in other cultures frowned upon
- eyebrows are also really important-can express a lot
- eyes, eyebrows, and forehead most authentic part of face-hard to control
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Kinesis: other things (not neatly categorized)-physique
can communicate-someone being big or small, skinny or tall-general physical characteristics-tells you something about them-skin color, hair color, eye color, facial hair-send messages
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Paralanguage
vocal but nonverbal aspects of speech
- Vocal qualities
- Vocal segregates
- Vocal fluences
- Vocal Qualifiers
- Vocalizations
- Pauses, silence
- Other-language treatment
- some of these categories overlap-stuff fits into more than 1 category
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Paralanguage: Vocal qualities
the background characteristics of a speaker's voice-tempo, resonance, rhythm, articulation
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Paralanguage: Vocal Segregates
substitutes for words-"uh huh" for yes-"shh" for be quiet-"uh oh!" for that's bad
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Paralanguage: Vocal Fluences
-sounds used to fill in gaps of silence in conversation-also to give you/maintain a sense of connection with another person-"uhhh"-culturally variable
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Paralanguage: Vocal Qualifiers
- using your voice to modify your utterances to indicate your emotional state
- excitement or anger or intensity conveyed through loudness
- draw vs. clip-draw out words or clip off end to convey mood
- draw-people in south use-relaxed
- clip-intense
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Paralanguage: Vocalizations
- not a well defined category
- all kinds of other things we can do with our voice to communicate-yawning, crying, screaming, laughing, sighing, snoring
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Paralanguage: Pauses, silence
- pause for effect
- pause can convey it's other person's turn
- culturally variable-longer pauses (to indicate it's someone's turn) in some languages
- silent treatment-conveys serious annoyance
- silence can convey you're shy, tired, don't want to talk, don't like someone
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Paralanguage: Other-Language Treatment
- how you say something-quiet or loud
- cultural diff.s
- whistles
- paralanguage is key in sarcasm
- we can tell certain things just from paralanguage-like if they're male or female, age
- accents=a type of paralanguage-regional diff.s in accent-combo of diff paralingual aspects in accents
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Space
- diff types of spatial features communicate-fixed (walls), semi-fixed (can move-desk), and more informal space (how we position our bodies, seating, where your office is in your building, etc.)
- can be related to leadership, power, importance, communication flow, competition, cooperation
- personal space-we tend to maintain a certain amount of space around us at all times
- most of this is subconscious
- sometimes, the regular rules for use of space can break down-especially in a crowded place-but crowds sometimes a good thing, like in a movie- enhances experience-or at a club
- spatial relationships between 2 people can tell you how close they are-revealing
- territoriality
- space tells how personal doctor is, how much see you as human rather than just condition=side of the bed doctor vs. foot of bed doctor
- lighting can influence our use of space-low lighting encourages intimacy
- used in media-in movies use space to tell things about characters
- can use wider space to intimidate someone, smaller space if interested in them-sometimes conscious, sometimes subconscious
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Space-territoriality
-how territorial we are tells things about us-like in class-often sit in same set every time, get territorial-in sports, home field advantage-don't like space being violated
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Space-variables
- variables-like gender-men tend to take up more space, tend to have more personal space between them than women-people may have less personal space around friends, family member, bf/gf, more with boss or stranger
- varies by culture too-in US, about 3 ft, in East Asia, more-in France, Persia-less
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Time
- who keeps who waiting for how long-how important you are
- how much time you spend with someone communicates how much you care about them-and how frequently
- being punctual-late=lack of regard
- time communicates differently in diff cultures-how late/early is apropriate
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Artifacts
- use of objects, material goods
- ex: cars-communicate how rich you are, status
- clothing-give us all kinds of messages about a person
- people can be artifacts-who you hung out with in high school-trophy wife-hang with people for a reason
- culturally variable
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Environment
- use of environment/aspects of environment communicate-lighting, smells, music, interior design
- economic level, level of sophistication, level of trust, social status, level of maturity, intellectualism
- temperature speaks, influences communication-hot summer nights most likely to have riots
- learning better in pretty classrooms with windows that are colder, quieter
- environment can stress you out of help you relax, influence your behavior-malls designed to optimize purchasing
- hospitals specifically designed-sink in plain site so doctors and nurses reminded to wash hands and patients see them do so-big windows with natural light-close bathroom with railing
- Disneyland-good example
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Listening
-a lot of us are bad listeners-don't pay attention, misunderstand
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hearing vs. listening
- hearing=a physiological sensory process by which auditory sensations received by ears and transferred to brain
- listening=psychological experience, involves understanding
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3 basic listening skills
1. Attending
2. Following
3. Reflecting Skills
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Attending
- giving your physical attention to someone-ideally, you listen with your whole body-indicates you're paying attention to them-if someone is paying attention to you (psychological presence-care about what you're saying-speaker wants this), you'll be more engaging when speaking to them
- posture of involvement
- appropriate body motion
- eye contact
- Non-distracting environment
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Attending-posture of involvement
relaxed overtness of the body-says I'm comfortable with you, also alert-body leaning slightly forward-communicates more energy or attention-facing person squarely
- indifference or rejection shown by not facing someone
- relatively open position-arms and legs not crossed or not tightly crossed (which would show defensiveness)
- placing yourself at an appropriate distance-anxiety if too close or too far-3 ft normal
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Attending-appropriate body motion
- a non moving, unblinking person is probably a non-listener
- good listeners move their body in response to speaker
- bad listener moves body in response to own thoughts?
- also involves distracting motions and gestures
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Attending-eye contact
- enables the speaker to appraise the listener's reception of message-also can communicate deeper message through eyes-express interest in communicating through eye contact-then after start, focus gaze softly on speaker, intermittently to their other body parts
- poor eye contact, looking away, communicates you don't want to be talking to them
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Attending-Non distracting environment
- including an environment with no significant barrier between you two-like a desk-that usually sets one up as authority, other not
- desks can also hinder reading someone's body language
- an inviting environment, quiet
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Following
- you shouldn't direct speaker, but should follow them
- don't interfere with speaker-don't ask too many Qs
- following skills include...
- Door openers
- Minimal encourages
- Use of Questions
- Attentive Silence
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Following-Door Openers
- non-coercive (don't push) invitation to talk
- we usually send non-verbal cues when tied up, excited about something
- sometimes people need encouragement to talk
- "care to talk about it?" "I wanna hear more about that!"
- often close the door instead though-unwanted advice or reassurance ("cheer up!") or judgmental comment
- "what's the matter"=better door opener
- often involve something about other person's body language-"you look upset"
- silence and being attentive, giving someone time to talk, using word "talk"-"want to talk about it?"-maybe acknowledge it's hard to talk about
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Following-Minimal Encourages
- simple responses that encourage the speaker to tell his/her story in his/her way
- brief indicators that you're with the speaker
- they're encouraging-aiding the speaker to continue
- "oh" "really?" "I see" "so?" "I hear you" "Gosh" "damn" "and?"
- don't really get in the speaker's way, but also don't lapse into non-participation
- sprinkle them throughout, though may be more frequent at start
- can also repeat a few of speaker's key words, or last few words
- can use paralanguage-expressing empathy through vocal expressions (non-verbal sounds)
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Following-Use of Questions
- not too many
- especially skillful use of open Qs can be effective-help a listener better understand speaker w/o directing the convo
- closed question: Y/N question-question that is meant to elicit a short, specific response
- open question: provide speaker with space, open ended-preferable
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Following-Attentive Silence
- we can use silence to free a speaker up-to feel, think, express themselves-a silent responsiveness-many listeners speak too much
- silence gives a speaker time to think of what to say, go deeper, experience feelings, go at own pace, choose whether to continue and at what depth, ambivalence
- during silences/pauses, it's not that nothing is going on-continue to attend to speaker through posture, eyes, reading nonverbal convo, thinking, pondering, considering own response
- not excessive silence
- there are other ways in which silence is important in communication-important in intimacy
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Reflecting Skills
- reflecting back what's been communicated to you
- you serve as a mirror for the speaker
- verbal-for example, through the paraphrase (concise response to the speaker that restates the essence of the speaker's communication to you in your own words-focuses on facts, content)-can build trust, understanding, validation-can lead to clarification
- nonverbal-can mirror back emotions of speaker-see speaker is sad, so give sympathetic expression
- so process involves reflecting back verbal and nonverbal communication of speaker verbally and nonverbally
- then you can respond to what person said-have an actual convo
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Axioms of Communication
1. Communication can be intentional or unintentional-muttering to yourself, didn't realize overheard-plus a lot of nonverbal communication-sour expression-that's all unintentional communication
2. All behavior has the potential to communicate-whether you speak or remains silent, emotional or poker face-all can communicate-we can't shut communication off-messages being sent, even if wrongly read
3. Communication is both irreversible and unrepeatable-it's impossible to un-receive a message-we can't erase acts or words we said-we can attempt to explain ourselves, apologize, but can't take it back
- each act of communication is unique-can't be repeated in same way-we're constantly changing, world constantly changing
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Lying
- we all lie-studies show we often lie
- the social lie-white lie to be polite/nice/a good friend
- telling the truth is important and almost always the right thing to do-but in many circumstances we lie-all the time
- we put great stock in telling the truth in the US
- most lies we tell are relatively casual-not that serious-and most people think most of their lies are believed most of the time
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why should we tell the truth?
- all paths to enlightenment, religious and secular, all share same bottom line-don't lie, tell the truth
- rarely 1 lie alone-turns into many
- the truth is easier to remember
- the truth has shock value
- honesty is the foundation upon which relationships are built, societies are built-w/o honesty, there can be no trust-widespread lying destroys the fabric of society and relationships-in which we normally assume someone is telling the truth
- it's moral to tell the truth
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Why do we lie so much, when we agree it's morally wrong?
1. to save face-your own or someone else's-to prevent embarrassment-sometimes this is called tact-pretending to remember someone, "you look fine!" "you don't look fat!!", "dinner was great, thanks!"-or blaming your being late on traffic-probably most common type of lying
2. to avoid tension or conflict-pretend not mad when you are to avoid a fight
3. to guide social interactions-make everyday relations run more smoothly-pretend to be glad to see someone you don't like-faking interest in someone's boring story at dinner
4. to expand or reduce relationships-"you're going downtown? me too! I'll give you a lift!" when not going that way-looking for a connection with that person-"oh yeah, I used to skii!" when skiied once-sometimes lie/stretch the truth to make yourself look better-like to employer-also to reduce relationship-say you're budy or not ready to settle down or that you're taken
5. to gain or protect power or resources-to show that you're in control-power play-claim to be busy when asked to go out on a pity invite-maybe lie to get info about someone-"I'm her friend, you can tell me!" then use info against her-"I'd love to lend you money but I'm broke right now!"-you're not really-or gov. lie in an emergency situation to protect hostages or something
6. to protect yourself or others from punishment or harm-know dad cheated on taxes, IRS comes to house and asks if he did or you know anything about it, you say no
- most lies are told for selfish reasons-but most honest communication is to benefit ourselves too
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what are the consequences of lying? (if you find out someone lied to you)
- you no longer trust that person-also begin to question everything they've said
- the closer you are to someone, the stronger your expectations of honesty-the closer you are, the bigger the subject matter, the more hurt you are
- major decisions, and esp. pattern of deceit, often leads to end of a relationship
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alternatives to lying
- equivocation-"that's unique" when don't like outfit-"I can't, I have other plans" when other plans to watch TV alone-not really lies
- hinting-more direct-seeks some desired response-"do you think I should be ordering dessert?"-hint back "oh no, those desserts are overpriced"-"wanna chat?"-hint "oh, I know you're very busy, I won't bother you"-the success of the hint depends on the other's ability to pick it up-if doesn't pick it up, won't work
- telling the truth-usually best
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can lying ever be ethical?
-possibly sometimes in some situations-if leads to good, to some larger truth-think about motives and effects of lie to decide if ethical or not-would person thank you for telling lie if they knew you lied? also keep in mind liars are more likely to think their lies are harmless than recipient
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lying in close, intimate relationships
- big issue
- there are other ways to be deceptive than lying
- deception: creating impression something it's 100% the whole truth-lying is just the most direct form of this-but also can have half truths, change subject, leave out details
- gender diff.s
- people do tell lies in close relationships, but less likely to, cuz violates shared expectation of trust
- those lies we tell to people we're close to more likely to be benevolent lies-to not hurt someone's feelings
- but also our biggest deceptions are often in our most intimate relationships-you know they'll never accept the truth so tell big lie
- lying bad for relationship even if never found out-lying makes us uncomfortable, unhappy, guilty-also undermines our trust in the person we lied to-"deceiver's mistrust"
- "truth bias"
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gender differences in lying in a relationship
ies men and women tell in a relationship tend to differ-women tell lies to exaggerate their physical attractiveness-how many people interested in them, age-also promise to provide sex and don't follow through-and fake an orgasm-men likely to lie about income, social status, ambition-also often say committed to relationship when not
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"deceiver's mistrust"
-when we lie to other people, we tend to perceive the recipient as a liar too-we assume others are like us-this helps us feel better about ourselves
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who is more likely to lie, introverts or extroverts?
-extroverts more likely to lie than introverts in general-cuz more concerned about the impressions others have of them
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frequent liars-better liars?
-not necessarily better liars/more successful at lying
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can you tell if someone is lying?
- can be hard to tell if someone is lying
| - but some signs-like if they try to convince us of something
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"truth bias"
in relationships-can help to know someone better to see if they're lying, but also tend to assume our partner is telling the truth-that's called truth bias-so accuracy in telling if they're lying may actually decline
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lying in regard to the internet/social media
- lots of lying-esp. on facebook, dating sites
- we do seem to be aware of this, wary of things people say online-but there does seems to be a tendency for us to be more honest online with someone we know than in person-we don't like putting a lie on paper, proof
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lying in regard to the internet/social media-gender diff.s
-men more likely to lie about height, social status/income-women more likely to lie about weight, how many people interested in them, physical attractiveness
Comm 10
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