Definition of self-betrayal
when we do not see ourselves and others clearly.
7 Steps of Self-Betrayal
- An act contrary to what I feel
- Justify self-betrayal
- Reality becomes distorted
- Enter the box
- Box becomes characteristic
- Provoke others into box
- Collude to stay in the box
Inside the box vs. outside the box
See others as an object (inside) or a person (outside)
How to get out of box
See them as a person
4 stages of learning
- Unconscious Incompetence
- Conscious Incompetence
- Conscious Competence
- Unconscious Competence
What is vulnerability
Ability to learn and be influenced, regress in stages of learning to be better
Tony Robbings - Known to Unknown
Ability to use something you know how to do, to learn something knew. Skateboard to snow board to surfing
Arguers As Lovers - Unilateral communication
power, about winning, don’t care about other person
Arguers As Lovers - Bilateral communication
truth, collaborative
Brockreide’s Argumentative Stances - 3 roles
- Rape - Take power for themselves. Pressure to win
- Seduction - Uses charms, lies or tricks to get their way
- Lover - Work together to solve problem
Brockreide’s Argumentative Stances - Can’t have arguments with…
- Inanimate (unable or unwilling to communicate)
- Illogical (out of control emotionally)
- Immoral (no principles or rules)
3 Basic Types of family environment for conflicts
- Avoidant
- Aggressive
- Collaborative
Lens Model Theory - 3 focuses
1 - oneself
2 - the other person
3 - the relationship
Filters: Cultural & Gender
behavior expectations and perceptions based on culture or gender
Why do we tell stories or use metaphors?
How we make sense and find meaning of life.
5 elements of conflict
1 - An expressed struggle - verbal or nonverbal
2 - Between interdependent parties - choices affect each other
3 - Who perceives incompatible goals (facts vs. perception)
4 - Scarce resources - physical, economic or social
5 - Interference with achieving goals - block desired action
Supportive vs. Defensive Climate
- Evaluable vs. description
- Control vs. problem-solving
- Strategy vs. spontaneity
- Neutrality vs. empathy
- Superiority vs. equality
- Certainty vs. provisionalism
Escalatory Spirals
how we get into the loops and the kinds. I get mad, you get mad, and it spirals out of control/escalates
John Gottman - 4 Horsemen of destructive conflict
- Criticism - used most by women, criticize partner
- Defensiveness - Response to criticism, excuses, discount criticism
- Stonewalling - used most by men, withdraws from interaction
- Contempt - Treat the other with disrespect, mocking/sarcasm, ridicule
