What is assertiveness?
To stand up for yourself with respect for the other
What do you need to do to be effective in setting borders?
One has to show assertive behaviour and maintain rules
What prevents us from behaving assertively?
- Emotions
- Lack of confidence
- Afraid of response
- Setting borders and maintaining rules is and can lead to stressful situations
- In stressful situations, we can experience stress reactions, we handle in impulse (flight, flight, freeze)
- Body tells what the impulse reactions does
Types of aggression:
- Frustration (angry with a certain situation or flow of events, not because of me)
- Instrumental (use aggression to get what I want, not visible, not violent, using aggression as a tool)
- Random (without reason, instant reaction) or psychopathological (terrorists, “acting in a greater good”)
Handling emotions
- Frustration: Blow off steam, listen, show understanding, reflecting, paraphrasing
- Instrumental: set borders immediately and assertively but not violently, body language, state consequences
what is the aggression process?
- Too assertive/assertive/sub-assertive
- Irritation/agitation
- Threatening
- Violence
Name the impulse reactions
Fight, Flight, Freeze
Example of fundamental rules:
Rules in society (constantly checking each other on those rules)
Example of practical rules:
Maintaining rules of a certain company one works for
What are borderline behaviours?
Obstructive (A/B behaviour)
- pleading as an excuse (A1)
- denying behaviour (A2)
- criticizing the rule (B1)
- criticizing the enforcement of the rules (B2)
Aggressive (C behaviour)
- scolding, threats of violence, insults, sexual intimidation (instrumental aggression)
Violent (D behaviour)
Exceptions of borderline behaviour:
- Abuse of alcohol and drugs
- Problematic group behaviour
- Criminal behaviour
Saying NO
- Open the discussion (Show understanding, explain rule, give alternative)
- Allow response
- Reverse the response (Emphasize, provide reasons, request cooperation)
- Give warning or option
- Implement sanction
Public rule breaking
- Open the discussion (Describe behaviour, explain rule, ask for cooperation or impose ban)
- Allow response
- Reverse the response (Emphasize, provide reasons, request cooperation)
- Giving warning or option
- Implement sanction
Hidden rule breaking
- Open discussion (Describe evidence, state your suspicion, state rule, give a warning)
- Allow response
- Reverse the response (Emphasize, provide reasons, request cooperation)
- Give warning or option
- Implement sanction
What is the SCARF model?
- Status
- Certainty
- Autonomy
- Relatedness
Fairness
