CHAPTER 1

Question 1

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Answer 1

• communication is the medium for conflict management, whether F2F, written or with technology
• conflict p’s com. in an effort to generate shared meaning and accomplish social goals.
• effective communication in conflict management propels the twists or shifts in the direction of a conflict best described as a transformation or “aha” moments.
• we will focus on com. that is primarily F2F, with ppl you know or who are important to you, complicated and difficult, shaped by the context in which conflict takes places - romantic, family, work, etc., oriented toward constructing a shared meaning, and goal directed.
• conflict is a fact of human life. it occurs naturally in all kinds of settings. nations still struggle, families fracture in destructive conflicts, marriages face challenges and often fail, and the workplace is plagued with stress, bullying, avoidance of real com., and blaming.
• the study of conflict should be viewed as a basic human requirement and the practice of constructive conflict as an essential set of interpersonal skills.
• mental health and overall happiness improve with a constructive conflict process. when people experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions and strategizing related to those conflicts.
• they may be fearful, angry, resentful, hopeless, preoccupied, or stressed.
• adding to one’s repertoire for resolving conflicts reduces a common stressor.
• ineffective resolution of interpersonal disputes adds to pessimism and hopelessness. eating orders, physical and psychological abuse of partners, and problem drinking are also associated with destructive conflict environments.

Question 2

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Family Relationships

Answer 2

• our family origin socializes us into constructive or destructive ways of handling conflict that carry over directly into how romantic relationships are later handled.
• ex. stepfamilies’ conflicts are destructive 95% of the time. we develop expectations of how conflicts will be, should be/should not be handled based on what we learned when we were young.
• severe parental conflict predicts both internal and external conflicts for adolescents. many parents try to protect their kids from exposure to their marital conflicts, but when children are present, often the conflicts are even worse and more destructive than when the parents fight alone.
• family research is quite clear about the systemwide effects of destructive marital conflict.
• first, negative conflict btwn that parents reduces the family’s network of friends and creates more loneliness.
• conflict between the parents tends to both change the mood of household interactions and shift the parents’ attention to the negative behaviors of the children.
• parental conflict has a direct negative impact on children.
• communication patterns between fathers and their young adult children seem to have a circular relationship-the young adults treat their fathers the way they were treated.

Question 3

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Family Relationships 
(continued)

Answer 3

• conflict between parents predicts the well-being of the children, with more conflict associated with maladaptive behavior on the part of the children.
• finally, the effects of destructive conflict patterns suggest that ongoing conflict at home as a greater impact on adolescent distress and symptoms than does parental divorce.
• parents who either avoid conflict or engage in negative cycles of mutual damage directly influence the children’s subsequent lives. a modest relationship exists between mothers who avoid conflict and their daughter’s marital satisfaction.
• on the other end of the continuum, children who are exposed to harsh discipline practices at home (which coincides with a negative and hostile relationship between the parents) are more at risk for aggression, hyperactivity, and internalizing by withdrawing, having somatic complaints, and experiencing depressive symptoms.
• when children witness or experience child abuse or domestic violence between parents, they often develop PTSD. this diagnoses is especially complicated when children witness these events many times. while trauma may be the cause, other disorders may develop as well.

Question 4

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Family Relationships 
(continued)

Answer 4

• children and adults who were physically and sexually abused as children face significant difficulties in their later conflicts. it is not possible to generalize completely, because many people exhibit remarkable resilience and effectiveness in their lives despite terrible abuse.
• yet common responses to abuse, including the verbal abuse of yelling and the silent treatment are hypervilgalence; difficulty relaxing; withdrawal at the first sign of tension or conflict; floating away or disassociating; and not knowing or expressing what one really wants
• children’s own attitudes toward marriage are directly affected by the conflict between their parents. if their parents have frequent conflict, children have a much less favorable attitude towards marriage.
• a kind’s general feeling of self-worth is directly affected by interpersonal conflict. this means that it isn’t primarily a question of whether parents divorce or not that affects the children; rather the level of conflict present in either of the intact family or the restructured family that impacts children.

Question 5

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Family Relationships 
(continued)

Answer 5

• the family effects also reach beyond the immediate environment. one study showed that kids from high-conflict homes had much stronger negative reactions while watching a video of angry adults than did children from low-conflict homes.
• the # of conflicts experienced does not seem to predict poor health or well-being as much as whether the individuals perceive the conflict to be resolvable.
• simply stated, the level of conflict and how destructive it is affect all areas of the family well-being. if you, as a present or future parent, change your own conflict resolution skills, you will affect everyone in your families, present and future.
• it takes about 10 years after an adolescent leaves home for parents and children to negotiate roles that bring them closer to equality than they were in their earlier parent-child relationship. at the heart of this negotiation is the conflict process.
• the study of conflict can assist in this process of redrawing family boundaries, letting you see which styles backfire and which ones work best.

Question 6

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Love Relationships

Answer 6

• Siegert and Stamp studied the effects of the first big fight in dating relationships, nothing that some couples survive and prosper while others breakup. these com. researches tell use quite clearly that the big dif. between the non survivors and the survivors was the way they perceived and handled the conflict.
• what determines the course of a relationship is in a large measure determined by how successfully the p’s move through the conflict episodes.
• couples must learn to process fights and other disagreeable events rather than repeating them. processing an argument means that the partners discuss the argument without redoing the fight.
• in order to achieve this difficult task, partners must take turns talking about what they were feeling and thinking during the incident, listening carefully and validating what the other says, admitting one’s role in the conflict and exploring ways to make the difficult convo run more smoothly next time.
• this ability to process takes restraint and skills.
• while married individuals are generally healthier than unmarried persons, if you are married and in a conflict, your health is likely to be poorer than that of single people.

Question 7

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

Love Relationships
(continued)

Answer 7

• hostile behavior during conflictual interactions seems to relate to changes in one’s immune system, resulting in poorer overall physical health. wives appear to suffer more from hostile conflictual situations than do husbands.
• one key skill in all long-term committed relationships is conflict management - certainly, the data on marriage suggest this is true.
• the presence or absence of conflict does not determine the quality of a marriage; rather, ow the couple handles conflictual situations determines the quality of the relationship.
• even beliefs about conflict are more important to marital happiness than whether or not the two partners actually agree with one another.
• how you handle conflict spreads to other members of your family. for ex., it has been noted that adult children who are taking care of their parents usually have high levels of conflict with siblings.
• learning effective skills for dealing with your younger brother or sister is far better than engaging in a family dispute that will affect your children and following generations.

Question 8

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Workplace

Answer 8

• conflicts at work present important challenges that affect your career development. conflict is a stubborn fact of organizational life. we carry our interpersonal relationships into our workplace; work life and private life intertwine.
• in one study, almost 85% of workers that were surveyed reported conflicts at work.
• with an increasing awareness of cultural diversity and gender equity issues, it is imperative that we become familiar with issues surrounding promotions and harassment.
• in fact, one can see communication training in orgs as a form of preventive conflict management.
• conflict pervades many dif. work settings. one studied reviewed the causes of conflict in nursing, suggesting different interventions to help prevent and manage conflict. nursing invovles a lot of communication with surrounding colleagues on all levels and with patients, therefore conflict naturally emerges. often these interactions take place in confusing, stressful and understaffed situations.
• ongoing, unresolved work conflict also has negative effects that reach far beyond the principal parties. if the exec director of an agency and her board can’t get along, employees tend to take sides, fear for their jobs and wage a campaign discrediting the other group.
• health care environments present the probability of damaging conflicts. when docs and nurses are in conflict, the patients suffer, alarmingly higher number of medical errors occur without teamwork, etc.
• ignoring workplace conflict sets destructive forces in motion that decrease productivity, spread the conflict to others and lead to lower morale. in one org, the CEO was on the verge of reorganizing the structure, affecting 600 ppl so that two VPs wouldn’t have to interact with one another.
• orgs depend on leaders to become expert conflict managers. they should have the skills to lead task-related conflicts with task conflict resolution skills.
• when the conflict centers around relationship issues, they must be skills enough not to be afraid to dive into the relationship issues that are driving the conflict.
• when leaders ignore relationship issues, the conflict will go underground and get more toxic.

Question 9

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Workplace 
(continued)

Answer 9

• in college you may experience conflicts with friends, roommates, romantic partners, professors, TA’s, your employer or parents, etc.
• when parents and students agree on the relative importance of goals, less conflict evolves.
• students often value independence, control of their emotional environment, health, social relationships and financial concerns. parents often value moral, religious and educational goals. when conflict arises with your parents, a good strategy is to make sure what you are disagreeing about.
• you may be talking past one another or you may agree on many issues but be in disagreement about only one or two. ex. Kristin and her parents argued over summer school. she didn’t want to go, rather she wanted to be with her friends after work and relax from the academic schedule she had the previous year. they wanted her to graduate in 4 years and she thought they wanted her to make as much of a financial contribution as possible. they analyzed what the argument was about and came up with a good solution for it.
• teaching and the education system provide many opportunities for difficult conflict. principles who adopt transparent, enforced codes of interaction among teachers staff help build trusting, less conflicting relationships.
• trust enhances collaboration, or the ability to work together for commonly identified goals. we know of many instances when principles, deans, head of schools, etc. do not work in an open, trusting way. these institutions are likely to experience damaging, expensive and disruptive conflicts.
• when one changes to an open communication style, extreme mistrust and uncivil behavior will lessen (principle and supervisor example)
• teachers whose jobs are usually quite stressful, suffer less burnout and stress when they turn to supportive teacher-colleagues and school counselors.

Question 10

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Workplace 
(continued)

Answer 10

some advantages to studying organizational conflict include:

• as an employees, you can learn how to get along with your fellow employees, your manager, the public
• you will be perceived as more skilled
• you will be able to prevent workplace conflicts
• as a supervisor, you can begin to see conflicts coming, get more cooperation from employees, help employees resolve their disputes with one another, keep interpersonal conflicts from spreading to other parts of the org, teach teams how to handle their own conflicts
• employees at all levels who are skill in conflict resolution bring gifts to their workplace,; their skills help them and other employees with job satisfaction, promotions, and effectiveness in the workplace
• at a minimum, you must understand conflict dynamics, and coupled with specific intervention skills, you can be maximally helpful to children, friends, family members and work associates.

Question 11

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development

Answer 11

• conflict management skills require thoughtful practice. few people seem to be natural conflict managers. while you may admire couples who never seem to have conflict, couples who never engage in conflict are at a long-term risk.
• common myths of ideal relationships and happy marriages sometimes assume that conflict is a bad sign. this is not true. as always, the WAY A CONFLICT IS HANDLED predicts whether the couple, the work group, the manager employer dyad will thrive.
• in conflict, we must learn to do what comes unnaturally.
• if we do what we have always done, we will keep making the same mistakes/same old patterns.
• who would imagine, that moving toward bad news instead of away from bad from bad news is often the better strategy? how many of us know to tell more of the truth when a conflict is becoming destructive rather than keeping quiet or yelling? in the middle of a conflict if someone insist that this is really simple, they probably mean this would be simple if you would adopt my perspective.
• as you will learn, conflict is anything but simple.

Question 12

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development
(continued)

Answer 12

• unresolved conflict has tremendous negative impacts. it directly affects the parties themselves. in personal relationships, unresolved conflict leads to drifting away from one another and sometimes jettisoning the relationship entirely.
• if a conflict stays unresolved for so long that negative perceptions become carved in the stone of disappointment, then everyone will lose.

the benefits of learning effective skills in conflict result in:

• improvement in mental health - your own and others
• long-term satisfaction in your family, love life and work
• people around you benefit from your improved skills
• conflict management draws upon the skills of emotional intelligence. this popular concept is defined as the capacity for recognizing your own feelings and those of others, for motiving ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.
• recognizing feelings, self-motivation, and dealing with feelings are skills that pervade all of conflict management.
• workplaces now ask employees to be excellent with “people skills” - the precise skills useful in conflict management. one study showed that employees with emotional intelligence were able to mediate well with those who used negative forcing and withdrawing styles in their organization

Question 13

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development
(continued)

Answer 13

why is emotional intelligence so important for conflict management?

• notice that the first three clusters of self-awareness, self-management and social-awareness must be mastered before you can operate effectively within the social skills area.
• we see the development of these skills are a lifelong process, need in intimate relationships, family com, workplace com, and community and worldwide leadership

20 competencies organized into 4 clusters

Self-Awareness

1. emotional self-awareness
2. accurate self-assessment
3. self-confidence

Self-Management

4. self-control
5. trustworthiness
6. conscientiousness
7. adaptability
8. achievement orientation
9. initiative

Social Awareness

10. empathy
11. organizational awareness
12. service orientation

Social Skills

13. developing others
14. leadership
15. influence
16. communication
17. change-catalyst
18. conflict management
19. building bonds
20. teamwork and collaboration

Question 14

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development
(continued)

Answer 14

• why study conflict? bc if we don’t, we are morel likely to repeat the damaging patterns we see on the job and in our homes. examining the dynamics of conflict will allow us to unpack those dynamics, see what brings on destructive moves, and build more productive options for ourselves both at work and at home.
• since the first edition of this book was published in 1978, writers have agreed that conflict is not different from “regular” communication but it is part of the ongoing flow of the communication between human beings.
• we might define ourselves as being “in conflict”, of varying intensities, many times a day or week. even people who vastly prefer peace, harmony, and calm interaction find themselves invovled in situations that are tense, escalating, uncomfortable, etc.
• truly, we do not have the option of staying out of conflict unless we stay out of relationships, families, work, and community. conflict happens, so it’s best to be prepared for it.

Question 15

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development
(continued)

Answer 15

• (John and His Mother situation) the mother and son are engaged in an interpersonal conflict. their conflict results from their particular com. choices. the son asked for extra help; the mother makes a decision first rather than asking questions. the next few interactions may well escalate toward damage on their ongoing relationship. the son may be uncertain how he will look for work if he can’t drive. he may want to save money he was given for grad for other purposes. yet he also wants his mom’s recognition of him as an adult and he wants to be seen as responsible. the mom wants to help her son find work, teach him money management and to preserve a give and take relationship between them.
• she doesn’t want to alienate her son but also doesn’t want to be taken advantage of or to go against an agreement.
• their individual and relational goals can only be met through creative conflict interactions. when conflict is viewed as a problem to be solved instead of a battle to be won or interaction to be avoided, creative solutions can be found.

Question 16

Interpersonal Conflict Depends on Interpersonal Communication:

The Importance of Skill Development
(continued)

Answer 16

• in the Chinese language the character for conflict is made up of two different symbols: one indicates danger whereas the other indicates opportunity. as you think about these two approaches, decide whether you respond first to conflict as a dangerous, obstructive dilemma or whether you experience conflict as a welcome opportunity for change.
• the I Ching teaches that the wise person in conflict remains clearheaded, inwardly strong and ready to meet his or her opponent halfway.
• at the beginning of your study of conflict, we ask that you consider the possibilities of inherent conflict. by the end of the course, we hope you come to experience the activity as an important means of growth rather than a failure or a negative event to be avoided at all costs.
• ppl can change their conflict behavior by studying the book and doing exercises.
• you will be able to understand your present conflict behavior, make choices to engage in new behavior
• your approach to conflict is not an inborn set of responses but rather a developed repertoire of communication skills that are learned, refined and practiced. you don’t have to remain the way you’ve been in the past.

Question 17

Preventing Destructive Conflict

Answer 17

preventing of conflict present a paradoxical task. on the one hand, we now know that conflict is one of the normal states of human communication; on the other hand, we would like to do what we can to prevent destructive, time wasting relationship-harming conflict. we’d like to enhance the possibility of creative change and decrease the probability of destructive conflict.
- to prevent means to anticipate, to forestall, to come before, to be in readiness for an occasion, to deprive something of power, to hold or keep back, and to deal with beforehand. prevention implies taking advance measures against something, to forestall something from its course. preventing implies taking effective measure to ward off something destructive. we’ve all used the saying an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. how might we prevent destructive conflict?

Question 18

Preventing Destructive Conflict

continued

Answer 18

• (the rescue crew - a fable) as the fable illustrates, there’s no reason to spend all our energy taking care of disasters. we need to find out what’s causing them and then put energy into preventing further disasters.
• romances break up, families extend estrangements for years and intractable conflict damage people’s enjoyment at work.
• violence at home, school and in the wider society can be reduce by teaching people conflict resolution. we mention passion which means to suffer with. passionate conflict prevention invovles staying with a situation long enough to make a difference rather than avoiding. even with a wide repertoire of conflict resolution skills, most of us would rather prevent or avoid conflict than having to process it.
• on the international scene, conflict prevention could keep thousands or even millions of people from death or destruction. our well-being as a globe depends on learning how to prevent devastating conflict.
• when you have experienced many conflict that actually turn out better than you might have feared, you will become hopeful and encouraged. we know that conflict resolution is a set of skills that can be learned, you can improve your skills and be a force for change in others.

Question 19

Conflict Defined

Answer 19

• perception is at the core of all conflict analysis. in interpersonal conflicts, ppl react as though there are genuinely different goals, there i snot enough of some resource, and then other person actually is getting in the way of something prized by the perceiver. sometimes these conditions are believed to be true, but sorting out what is perceived and what is interpersonally accurate forms the basis of conflict analysis.
• careful attention to the elements that make up conflict will help you understand an apparently unresolvable conflict. when conflicts remain muddled and unclear, they can not be resolved, or solved in a different way.
• conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals.

Question 20

Conflict Defined:

An Expressed Struggle

Answer 20

• an interpersonal approach to conflict management focuses on the communicative exchanges that make up the conflict episode.
• intrapersonal conflict-internal strain that creates a state of ambivalence, conflicting internal dialogue or lack of resolution in one’s thinking and feeling- accompanies interpersonal conflict.
• one may endure intrapersonal conflict for a while before such a struggle is expressed communicatively.
• people involved in conflicts have perceptions about their own thoughts, and feelings and perceptions about the other person’s thoughts and feelings. conflict is present when there are joint communicative representations of it.
• the verbal or nonverbal com. may be subtle- a slight shift in body placement or a hurried greeting- but it must be present for the activity to be interpersonal conflict.
• therefore, although other conditions must also exist before an interaction is labeled conflict, Jandt asserts that conflict exists when the parties invovled agree in some way that the behaviors associated with their relationship are labeled as conflict behavior.
• often, the communicative behavior is easily identified with conflict, such as when one party openly disagrees with the other.
• other times, an interpersonal conflict may be operating at a more tacit level. you may be avoiding the other person bc you are thinking i don’t want to see him for a few days bc of what he did. the interpersonal struggle is expressed with avoidance.

Question 21

Conflict Defined:

An Expressed Struggle
continued

Answer 21

• intrapersonal perceptions are the bedrock upon which conflicts are built; but only when there are communicative manifestations of these perceptions with an interpersonal conflict emerge.
• communication is the central element in all interpersonal conflict. communication and conflict are related in the following ways:
• communication behavior often creates conflict
• communication behavior often reflects conflict
• communication is the vehicle for the productive or destructive management of conflict
• thus, com. and conflict are inextricably tied. how one communicates in a conflict situation has profound implications for the residual impact of that conflict.
• communication can be used to exacerbate the conflict or to lead to its productive management.
• (towel situation) this situation could have escalated to a ‘war on towels’ or been handled unproductively by the stepmom leaving curt notes, the stepson avoiding contact and both building up negative assumptions about the other.
• most expressed struggles become activated by a triggering event. a staff member of a counseling agency is fired, setting off a series of meetings culminating in the staff’s demand to the board that the director be fired. or in a roommate situation, carl comes home one night and locks are changed on the door. the triggering event brings the conflict to everyone’s attention-it is the lighting rod of recognition.

Question 22

Conflict Defined:

Interdependence

Answer 22

• conflict parties engage in an expressed struggle and interfere with one another bc they are interdependent. a person who is not depended upon another, that is who has no special interest in what the other does, has no conflict with that other person.
• each person’s choices affect the other bc conflict is a mutual activity. ppl are seldom totally opposed to each other. even two ppl who are having an intellectual conflict over politics are to some extent cooperating with each other.
• they have, in effect, tacitly agreed “look we are going to have this verbal argument and we aren’t going to hit each other and both of us will get certain rewards for participating in this flexing of our intellectual muscles. we’ll play by the rules which we both understand”
• Schelling calls this strategic conflict (conflict in which parties have choices as opposed to conflict in which the power is so disparate that there are virtually no choices). a theory of precarious partnership or incomplete antagonism. in other words, even these informal debaters concerned with politics cannot formulate their verbal tactics until they know the moves made by the other party.
• parties in strategic conflict, therefore, are never totally antagonistic and must have mutual interest, even if the interest is only in keeping the conflict going.
• without openly saying so, they are thinking how can we have this conflict in a way that increases the benefit to me?
• these decisions are complex, with parties reacting not in a linear, cause-effect manner but with a series of interdependent decisions.

Question 23

Conflict Defined:

Interdependence
continued

Answer 23

• Bateson presents an “ecological” view of patterns in relationships. as in the natural environment, in which a decision to eliminate coyotes bc they are a menace to the sheep affects the overall balance of animals and plants, no one party in a conflict can make a decision that is totally separate-each decision affects the other conflict participants. in all conflicts, therefore, interdependence carries elements of cooperation and elements of competition. in true conflicts, the parties are stuck with each other.
• even tho conflict parties are always interdependent to some extent, how they perceive their mutuality affects their later choices. parties decide, although they may not be aware of this decision, whether they will act as relatively interdependent agents or relatively independent agents.
• both or all may agree that we are in this together or they may believe that just doing my own thing is possible and desirable.
• realizing that they were unavoidably interdependent, they agreed to lessen their verbal and in-person com. about arrangements while agreeing to maintain email com about upcoming scheduling. they worked out an acceptable level of interdependence.

Question 24

Conflict Defined:

Interdependence
continued

Answer 24

• in a healthy family, everyone can talk to every other member and this builds healthy interdependence
• sometimes parties are locked into a position of mutual interdependence whether they want to be or not. in some cases, interdependent units do not choose to be interdependent but are so for other compelling reasons.
• some colleagues in an office, for ex., got into a conflict over when they were to be in their offices to receive calls and speak w/customers. one group took the position that what we do doesn’t affect you-it’s none of your business. the other group convinced the first group that they could not define themselves as unconnected bc the rest of the group had to be available to fill in for them when they weren’t available
• they were inescapably locked into interdependence. if a working decision had not been made, the parties would have almost guaranteed an unproductive conflict, with each party making choices as if they were only tenuously connected.
• when you are stuck in unproductive interdependence, these conflicts turn into gridlocked conflicts.

Question 25

Conflict Defined: You Know Your Gridlocked When...

Answer 25

- the conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner - you keep talking but make no headway you become entrenched and are unwilling to budge - you feel more frustrated and hurt after you talk than before - your talk is devoid of humor, amusement or affection - you become more entrenched over time so you become insulting during talks - more vilification makes you more polarized, extreme and less willing to compromise. - eventually you disengage emotionally or physically or both - think about how you feel when you are gridlocked in traffic. you may feel full of road rage, derisive of the stupid other drivers, furious at the system, defeated and hopeless or numb and tuned out. the same emotions happen in a gridlocked interpersonal conflict. - when nothing is working, try something different. destructive conflicts rely on the same old (unproductive) strategies - most relationships move back and forth between degrees of interdependence an independence - at times there will be an emphasis on "me" and what I want and on separateness, whereas other times "we" - our nature as a unit - becomes the focus - these are natural rhythmic swings in relationships. in productive conflict relationships, dissonance (clashes, disharmony) and resonance (harmony and deep positive responses) become balanced in a natural rhythm. just as we all need both stability and change, conflict parties have to balance their independence and dependence needs. - relationships and interdependence issues precede other issues in the conflict. actually, these negotiations over interdependence permeate most conflicts throughout the course of the relationship, never becoming completely settled. a helpful practice is to address the interdependence issue openly in ongoing, highly important relationships. in more transient and less salient relationships, the interdependence may be primarily tacit or understood.

Question 26

Conflict Defined: Perceived Incompatible Goals

Answer 26

- what do ppl fight about? ppl usually engage in conflict over goals that are important to them. - we do not support the overly simple notion that if ppl just communicated they would see that their goals are the same. opposing goals are a fact of life. many times ppl are absolutely convinced that they have opposing goals and can't agree on anything to pursue together. - however, if goals are reframed or put in a different context, the parties can agree. perception of incompatibility of goals can change through clear communication - goals are perceived as incompatible bc parties want (1) the same thing or (2) different things. first, the conflict parties may want the same thing-for example, the promotion in a company, the only available scholarship, the attention of parents. they struggle and jockey for position in order to attain the desired goal. the perceive the situation as one where there "isn't enough to go around." thus, they see their gaol are incompatible with the other person's bc they both want the same thing. - second, sometimes goals are different. Mark and Tom decided to eat out. Mark wants to go to Bananas and Tom wants to go to Pearl's. they struggle over the incompatible choices. sometimes the goals are not as opposed as they seem. two roommates would like to move out of the dorm and into an apartment. after looking around, Janet tells Allison that she thinks she'd better just stay put. Allison was hurt. as they talked more about the situation, Janet told Allison that she was afraid Allison wanted to spend more than Janet was able to. They found an acceptable budget and agreed to stick with it, thus resetting their goals more clearly. of course, many times the content goals seem to be different (like which restaurant to go to) but beneath them is a relationships struggle over who gets to decide. regardless of whether the p's see the goals as similar or different, perceived incompatible goals are central to all conflicts.

Question 27

Conflict Defined: Perceived Scarce Resources

Answer 27

- a resource can be defined as any positively perceived physical, economic, or social consequence. the resources may be objectively real or perceived as real by the person. likewise, the scarcity, or limitation may be actual or apparent. - for example, close friends often think that if heir best friend begins to like someone else too, then the supply of affection available to the original friend will diminish - a perceived scarce resource. - this may or may not be so, but a perception that affection is scarce may well create genuine conflict between the friends. sometimes, then, the most appropriate behavior is attempting to change the other person's perception of the resource instead of trying to reallocate the resource. - ultimately, one person can never force another to change his or her valuing of a resource of perception of how much of the resource is available, but persuasion coupled with supportive responses for the person fearful of losing the reward can help. - money, natural resources such as oil and land, and jobs may indeed be scarce or limited resources. getting a class you need for graduation might be a scarce resource, if the class is closed. intangible commodities such as love, esteem, attention and caring may also be perceived as scarce. information can be perceived as a scarce resource. if you are lost because you wandered away from the marked ski trails and you don't have a map, and need to know where to go and how to reach ski patrol. if your cell phone won't work and you desperately need ppl to come help you. all of these are, for this desperate moment, scarce resources bc of the situation you are in, not bc cell phones, maps and friendly strangers are inherently scarce. - when rewards are perceived as scarce, an expressed struggle may be initiated.

Question 28

Conflict Defined: | Perceived Scarce Resources continued

Answer 28

- and sometimes resources really are scarce. no amount of effort to change the perception will make the resource abundant. some other conflict strategy will have to be employed. - in interpersonal struggles, two resources often perceived as scarce are power and self-esteem. whether the parties are in conflict over a desired romantic partner or a change in work hours, perceived scarcities of power and self-esteem are invovled. ppl engaged in conflict often say things reflecting power and self esteem struggles such as the following scenarios: - she always gets her own way (she has more power than I do and I feel at constant disadvantage. i'm always one down) - he is so sarcastic. who does he think he is? I don't have to put up with this attitude! (I don't have way to protect myself from biting sarcasm. it feels like an attack and I feel humiliated. the only power I have is to leave or try to compete with equal sarcasm, which makes me feel awful.) - I won't cover for her if she asks me again. she can find someone else to work the night shift when her kids get sick (I feel taken advantage of. she only pays attention to me when she needs a favor) - regardless of the particular subjects invovled, ppl in conflict usually perceive that they ave too little power and self esteem and that the other party has too much. since each person thinks and feels convinced this imbalance is "true" something needs to be adjusted. often, giving the other person some respect, courtesy, and ways to save face removes their need to use power excessively. - remember, ppl usually think the other person has more power and self-esteem. we don't perceive other people the way they perceive themselves.

Question 29

Conflict Defined: Interference

Answer 29

- ppl may be interdependent, perceive incompatible goals, want the same scarce resources and still may not experience what we call conflict. - interference, or the perception of interference, is necessary to complete the conditions for conflict. if the presence of another person interferes with desired actions, conflict intensifies. conflict is associate with blocking, and the person doing the blocking is perceived as the problem. - another example of perceived interference invovles Kelly, who prizes time alone in a lookout tower each summer. she plans for weeks and looks forward to that solitude each year. when her two college-age daughters ask to join her, Kelly hesitated saying she didn't think there was enough room. the daughters were sad and hurt bc they had been away at college and thought this would be a good way to all be together. mom could have told them she loved solitude and asked whether they could figure out some way so they could be together but he quiet time could be maintained. for example, the daughters love to hike and might have been glad to plan a few days of hiking. instead, the situation stayed unresolved and hurt feelings simmered. - being blocked and interfered with is such a disturbing experience that our first "take" is usually anger and blame. - you do not know what other people are thinking unless you enter into honest dialogue. you don't know their intention without dialogue. you can't read minds. conversation is the best approach.

Question 30

Understanding Destructive Conflict:

Answer 30

- conflicts move from episode to episode in a continually unfolding pattern of interaction between prime parties. the moves and interpretations of each party influence those of the others. nowhere can we clearly see the interlocking effects of moves and countermoves than in destructive conflicts. - conflict interaction can be productive or destructive depending on many factors, including the context in which it occurs and the kids of communication used. - conflict is potentially costly to all parties; these costs can exceed the gains if the conflict is drawn out before some kind of settlement is reached. - if all p's are dissatisfied with the outcomes of a conflict and think they have lost as a result, then the conflict is classified as destructive. - in one office two large men get into a loud shouting and shoving match. after their boss called them into his office and talked through the conflict with them, the two men said it was over and it's nobody else's business. however other office workers were upset. an outside facilitator was called in to talk through the situation including pointing out to the "fights" that they had spread a feeling of threat and fear throughout the office. others were avoiding them and as a result not getting their work done. - a married couple carriers on a quieter, but no less destructive conflict. the husband uses ridicule when he does not like something the wife does. he may sight oh great that was our best knife and now you have ruined it bc you can't remember how to sharpen it. why don't we just throw money away since you seem incapable of taking care of what we have. you can see that destructive conflict can look and sound differently, but still be destructive.

Question 31

Understanding Destructive Conflict: | continued

Answer 31

- several characteristics of destructive conflict can be identified. p's can sometimes rescue a destructive interaction, making the overall effect more positive, but if the interaction continues to be characteristics by the following descriptions, the overall result will be destructive, a win-lose experience for all parties. - Gottman refers to the following four communication practices as the "four horseman of the apocalypse." - meaning that when these four behaviors "ride in" to a relationship, the end is near.

Question 32

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Critical Startup Sets the Tone for Any Conflict Criticizing --> Defensiveness --> Stonewalling --> Contempt

Answer 32

- the first moments of a conflict interaction-the critical start-up-can set the scene for a constructive or destructive conflict. in fact, the first minute of observed conflict with married couples predicts for 96 percent of the couples studied whether they wills tay together or divorce. - this amazing finding results primarily from the way the conflict is entered, or engaged. criticism makes a harsh start-up. when wives escalate from neutral feelings to negative feelings quickly, right at the beginning, the outlook for the marriage remains bleak. women criticize more than men do in marital conflicts. when a conflict begins with a critical statement the conflict is likely to escalate quickly. any conflict that begins with you always or you never is likely to have a destructive effect. examples of harsh and critical start-ups - if you could spare me a few mins from your busy schedule, I'd like to talk to you - would you just listen to me for once in your life? - you consider this a report I could send off? - you are skating on thin ice. here's your date for you performance review - right! as though I care what you think!

Question 33

Understanding Destructive Conflict: | The Four Horsemen - Critical Startup Sets the Tone for Any Conflict continued

Answer 33

- critical start ups set the other person on the defensive right away. they may also make the tone so negative that the convo can't be rescued. - many times one person will criticize to get the other person's attention, to indicate how awful he or she is feeling, to try to make the conflict important enough to resolve or to vent frustration or despair. however, none of these reasons, though understandable, is a good enough reason to begin interactions with criticism. instead, you can turn a harsh start up into a constructive complaint. - a constructive complain should include an "I" statement, one should describe undesirable behavior, use neutral, not judgmental language, and ask before a specific, behavioral change - a constructive complaint can be helpful. it includes blame and the attribution that there is something wrong with the other person, not just the behavior.

Question 34

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Defensiveness Characterizes Destructive Conflict

Answer 34

- when ppl use defensive com., they are communicating a desire to protect themselves against pain, fear, personal responsibility, or new info. in an emotionally charged issue, if a person can listen to learn about oneself and the other, defensiveness drops away. - when defensiveness predominates, many destructive outcomes occur, such as power struggles, boredom, lack of fun and joy, chronic fighting, emotional pain and distance, and desire to retaliate. - defensiveness implies that one is warding off an attack. notice that the metaphor for conflict that underlies the need to defend is a negative metaphor, war or attack. - when you are defensive, you might whine, deflect, attack and further defend. the interaction can get to look and sound like ping-pong - defensiveness comes from a misguided sense of righteous indignation, expressed poorly. another work for defensiveness might be contrariness. some ppl seemingly can't help adopting a devil's advocate or contrary point of view. for them, convo is a battle of wits. they enjoy the game of "batting ideas around" and are often very good at the performance. the pursuit of mutual understanding may seem boring and unchallenging. contrariness and defensiveness impede on constructive conflict. - ppl in a defensive climate are touchy, irritable, quick-tempered and harsh

Question 35

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Creating a Supportive Rather Than a Defensive Climate

Answer 35

- one of the best descriptions of defensive com. was written by Jack Gibb in 1961. it is so useful we suggest you memorize the categories. this schema will help you moderate your own defensiveness very effectively if you pay attention to your own language. first, learn to recognize your own and other's defensiveness for what it is. then, practice the "support side" of the following suggestions. Defensive Climates rather than Supportive Climates are created when ppl use the following kinds of language: - Evaluation rather than Description: judgmental and evaluating language leads to a defensive response in the other person. no one enjoys being "graded" especially as inadequate. instead, use neutral and non-blaming language. rather than saying you are close-minded on this..say you really like the idea of going camping instead of kayaking. are you open to any other options? - Control rather than Problem Solving: when you try to control the other person, you might insist on details, shut down communication and simply say no way I'm going to do that. instead, say we can solve this problem. i'll listen to you I ask you to listen to me. let's generate some possibilities. - Strategy rather than Spontaneity: in strategic com., the other person feels manipulated and managed. when you are communicating spontaneously, you are free of deception and are communicating honestly, in a straightforward way. rather than saying, I'll get back to you on that say I'm not comfortable with that idea let's keep talking. - Neutrality rather than Empathy: no one likes to feel like a "case" or "type". when a doc says to a patient with cancer "that's the protocol we use in this kind of cancer" the patient will feel dismissed or made into an object. instead, the doc could say this is my best advice based on my experience and research. what do you think? will this work for you? a friend might speak neutrally rather than empathically when she says to her roommate, it's simple. we need to alternate weeks of cleaning the room that avoids conflict" alternating might be a good idea but not when she just heard her roommate talk about how she is overwhelmed and feels that cleaning the room just hans't been her priority. - Superiority rather than Equality: no one likes to be talked down to. if you indicate that you are more powerful, smarter, and more experienced than the other person you will create defensiveness. rather than you'll see that i'm right when you have more experience, say I feel strongly about this. what is your experience? - Certainty rather than Provisionalism: dogmatic, inflexible statements create defensiveness. openness creates a supportive climate. rather than say I am never gonna drive at xmas again, say driving at xmas is something I am not wanting to do. I still want to see your fam but I hate being on the highway at xmas. let's talk about other options. - support neutralizes defensiveness. as you learn to recognize your own and other's defensiveness, you can practice support. creating a supportive climate means you make it possible for the other person to be heard, and thus for the other person to hear you. support doesn't mean agreement it means you see the other person as a worthwhile human being who deserves being heard. - support means that you speak so the other person knows he/she is being respected and support means that listening takes as much time as talking. you can disagree and still be supportive.

Question 36

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Stonewalling-Withdrawal from Interaction

Answer 36

- usually when ppl are engaged in convo, they give NV cues as well as verbal cues to indicate their involvement. they give eye contact, head nods, changes in facial expression, brief vocalizations etc. turn taking is regulated in a refined dance of interaction that shows that the other person is "there". - stonewallers don't do any of this. they show in every possible way that they are NOT "there". they glance only to see what the other party is doing, then glance away. they maintain as tiff neck and frozen facial features. they try to conceal what they are thinking/feeling. - men consistently stonewall more than women do. 85% of stonewallers are men - found it Gottman's study in 1999. - the combination of criticizing and stonewalling predicted divorce quite easily. stonewalling is more than avoidance of conflict. it is an attempt to signal withdrawal from communication, while, in fact, still being present in the convo, but in a destructive manner. it can also mean a refusal to engage in a topic no matter how the other person brings it up - you can probably imagine the frustration and fury that comes with stonewalling. one couple could never work out a mutual vacation bc the wife would never respond in any way to any of her husband's suggestions. she would leave the room or change the subject. thus a form of stonewalling occurred. - a less destructive form of stonewalling is called holding back. when a researcher asked asked ppl why they were not more forthcoming in group discussions, they said they had to be comfortable enough to speak or that they wanted to see what developed before they got invovled. men hold back in public discussions more than women do, although women also feel reserved when trust has not been built. - ppl hold back when they sense hostility in a group or in one another. a good leader comments on quiet people in a supportive way such as David I would like to hear your thoughts on whether this new project is a good idea. if David holds back by saying that he hasn't analyzed it yet, the leader could say we don't need data. i respect your opinion. what is your first take?

Question 37

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Stonewalling-Withdrawal from Interaction Taking DOWN the Stone Wall

Answer 37

- ppl stonewall when they are afraid to be influence or when they are so mad they no longer wish to engage. sometimes ppl stonewall when they have lost respect for the other person. this is a toxic situation, calling for drastic measures. - note to women, when someone is stonewalling try asking them about thoughts rather than feelings - the stonewaller can be so punishing and harsh that nothing works for now, but an approach might have an affect on the convo later on. - if not, the relationships is functionally over. no one can stand being shut out forever.

Question 38

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Contempt Contributes to Destructive Conflict

Answer 38

- contempt is any statement or NV behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one's partner. contempt often invovles a nasty kind of mockery, put-downs, hostile corrections, and NV expressions of contempt. the contemptuous look (mouth pulled over to one side) is a powerfully corrosive expression. many times ew have heard ppl say the right words but with an expression of contempt, which leads inevitably to more destructive com. - often contempt is accompanied with sarcasm, ridicule, and outright hostile joking. in healthy relationships, contempt is almost never present. contempt is never justified in a long-term important relationship, since it functions as a powerful attack on the personhood of the other.

Question 39

Understanding Destructive Conflict: The Four Horsemen - Contempt Contributes to Destructive Conflict Softening Contempt

Answer 39

- like stonewalling, contempt signals an emergency in a relationship. whether it is a marriage, friendship, work situation, etc. contempt calls for quick, effective action - if you are a victim of contempt, you might need to say something like: I won't let you speak to me in this manner. I am being treated without respect and I can respect myself if I continue; Please don't treat me with contempt. Tell me what you want/feel/need instead; You are so furious that I can't talk with you right now. I'll try again later; Please notice that you are speaking to me in a way that not one other person would tolerate. I need you to change the way you are talking to me; Nothing about this convo is working for me so I am going to stop talking for now - full blown continuing contempt means that intervention of some kind is needed or the relationship is over. contempt can lead to abuse and needs to be treated with care. try never to meet contempt with escalated contempt of your own. disengage and seek counsel.

Question 40

Understanding Destructive Conflict: More Bad Habits for Your Analysis

Answer 40

- when parties are unable or unwilling to adapt to changing circumstances, instead following rules to a T or going by the book, potentially constructive conflict often deteriorates. Soften Rigidity with Flexible Options: people become rigid when they feel threatened or feel afraid of loosing something important. the supervisor who refused to talk with her employees may have been afraid of the feedback she would receive. a peer manager could suggest different ways of creating changes that are more likely to work than documenting behavior to create a paper trail. these flexible options might be: - call each employee in to discuss positive/neg. performances. ask for feedback. - for a while the manager can try describing what she likes. the employees may not trust her at first but focusing on positive behavior would soften the wall of mistrust that has been build in the office. - manager could hold team meetings - the manager could ask for a meeting with the person most likely to give helpful feedback, an internal consultant. - again, when something is not working, try a new approach, not more of the old approach.

Question 41

Understanding Destructive Conflict: A Competitive System of Dominance and Subordination Results in Destructive Conflict

Answer 41

- authenticity and subordination are totally incompatible. dominant groups tend to suppress conflict, minimizing and denying its existence. this works reasonably well for those in power bc they make and enforce the rules. - in fact, a measure of the dominant group's success and security is often its ability to suppress conflict, to keep it hidden, unobtrusive, and unthreatening to the group's position of power. - in a situation of unequal power, in which a myth of harmonious relationships is et forth, the subordinate person is put in charge of maintaining that harmony. then any recognition of differences is treated as insubordination.

Question 42

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Stressful Drama Examples

Answer 42

- Richo discusses in How to Be An Adult in Relationships ways to recognize when you are being a drama king or queen rather than acting as an adult - we use invective to dump our feelings on one another or engage in theatrical/histrionic displays meant to manipulate, intimidate, or distance the other - we explode, act violently, retaliate, or withdraw sullenly - one of us makes an unilateral or secret decision - the issue remains an open wound with lingering resentment and ongoing stress - we use cutthroat tactics - we insist this problem be fixed in accord with our timing and showing no tolerance for a time-out - we crown the stage by bringing someone else or something else in as a distraction - we only see in black n white - we each insist on getting our own way

Question 43

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Escalatory Spirals Pervade Destructive Conflict

Answer 43

- patterns of destructive behavior/conflict that require interaction - conflict often gets out of hand. what begins as a careful exchange of opposing views deteriorates into an emotion-laden, careless interchange in which strong feelings, such as anger, revenge, despair and fear are aroused. - this causes the primary intentions of the parties to shift from a useful exchange to damaging the other person. - escalatory conflict spirals have only one direction, upward or downward. they are characterized by a heavy reliance on overt power manipulation, threats, coercion, and deception. in ECS the relationship continues to circle around to more and more damaging ends; the interaction becomes self perpetuating. it's characteristics are misunderstanding, discord and destruction. figure 1.2 illustrates the runaway dynamics that occur in a typical destructive conflict spiral. in this example, two roommates begin w/a misunderstanding that accelerates each time they communicate. brad begins complaining about Steve's messiness. at each crossover point in the spiral, thoughts and actions might occur as they do in this version of an actual conflict. - their conflict escalated without much direct com between the two of them- they let their actions speak instead of their words. a destructive conflict in an intimate relationship, between spouses, for example, may be characterized by the above features in addition to the bad habits listen above. - each person uses bad habits to damage the other person where it hurst the most emotionally. for example, a women may ridicule her man for making less money than she does when she knows he is extremely sensitive to the issue.

Question 44

Understanding Destructive Conflict: | Escalatory Spirals Pervade Destructive Conflict continued

Answer 44

- the injunction "don't fight unless you mean it" is ignored in destructive conflicts and the interlocking, damaging moves occur repeatedly. - one party unilaterally attempts to change the structure of the relationship, restrict the choices of the other and gain advantage over the other. - probably the best index of destructive conflict is that one or both of the parties have strong desire to "get even" or damage the other party. - when you hear a friend say well she may have gotten e that time but just wait and see what happens when I tell some things I know about her - you are hearing one side of a destructive conflict in action. - if the conflict is responded to in destructive ways, it starts sequences of episodes that detract from relational quality. - the conflict continues unabated, feeds upon itself, and becomes a spiral of negativity. - the three parts - the behaviors, the perceptions of others, and the perceptions of the relationship mutually reinforce each other. as behavior becomes more destructive and one's view of the other and the relationship goes downhill, each person continues to perceive himself or herself as free from blame. - ECS bring about a cascade of neg. effects. self perpetuating dynamics create (1) behaviors, (2) perceptions of the other and (3) perceptions of the relationship, which continue to disintegrate with each party viewing oneself as not responsible for any o fit. - when a relationship goes downhill, the partners begin to see each other through a neg. frame, which consists of a composite of disagreeable traits that each attributes to the other. these unfavorable attributions color how the offended mate sees the partner; negative actions are exaggerated and neutral actions are seen as negative. each positive act may be given a negative coloring. - decline happens in all types of relationships- between social groups, marriages, roommates, work settings and with families

Question 45

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Avoidance Spirals - Avoidance Patterns Reduce the Chance for Productive Conflict

Answer 45

- ECS can be called "fight patterns" conflict parties also manifest "fight" patterns of avoidance of the conflict. - be aware that patterns of avoidance also create and reflect destructive conflict interactions. one form of avoidance is an active attempt to lessen dependence of each other. by making such an attempt, each party reduces the influence of the other on his or her choices. both parties then become less invested in the relationship. - many long-term marriages become devitalized with the spouses expecting less and less from one another. this is often the natural consequences of lessened interaction. spouses who are prevented from enriching daily interaction by the pressure of jobs, children and other stresses become estranged. - the barrier between them becomes harder and harder to breach. avoidance spirals occur in other contexts as well. the child who is not picked for the soccer team and says I don't want to be on your tea anyways in withdrawing so is an employee who says I don't care if they fire me who needs them anyways. the basic dynamics of all avoidance spirals are - less direct interaction - active avoidance of the other party - reduction of independence - harboring of resentment or disappointment - complaining to third persons about the other party

Question 46

Understanding Destructive Conflict: | Avoidance Spirals - Avoidance Patterns Reduce the Chance for Productive Conflict continued

Answer 46

- whereas ECS are characterized by OVERT expression of the conflict, avoidance spirals demonstrate COVERT expression. - at least one of the parties tries to impact the other through lack of cooperation. any form of withholding from someone who depends on you can bring negative consequences to the other. when you withdraw, the other party doesn't know what you want or are thinking. often the other will say what is wrong then you say nothing covering up anger, resentment or disappointment. - sometimes ppl want destructive conflict in their relationships. although ECS and avoidance spirals may appear to be totally negative to outsiders, the conflict party may be getting something valuable from these spirals. - for ex., john can stay locked in an overt struggle with Bill, the impasse may give john a sense of power and self-esteem. if you're in an avoidance spiral complaining about your boss, employee, spouse or friend to others builds closeness between you and your listener. - one can get locked into a position of complaining bitterly about a spouse or coworker but not take any steps to alter the relationship directly. - in other words, ppl may be invested in NOT moving past the destructive conflict.

Question 47

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Avoidance Spirals: The Attack/Withdraw Pattern

Answer 47

- this pattern is a destructive dance usually manifested in intimate relationships. it destroys chances for productive interaction. in the pursue/flee pattern, described in detail in Lerner's Dance of Intimacy, one partner specializes in initiating conversations, commenting on the lack of closeness between the partners, bringing up feelings and issues to get them resolved, and drawing the other partner out by asking q's like you see preoccupied, what's going on? or we don' seem close these last few weeks has something been bothering you? - then the "dance" of distance is engaged in as the other partner minimizes the problems, denies anything is wrong, promises to do better, comment son content problems only, avoids discussion of any relationship issues, and gives excuses such as I've been really busy or I've been distracted with work. - the conflict remains unresolved bc each partner specializes in a role that is so prescribed, whether initiating or fleeing, that the issues remain unexplored.. - as you begin to watch conflicts around you, pay attention to who initiates who withdraws/flees - one way to arrest this pattern is to make a comment about communication such as I notice that I'm the one who brings up problems and you feel defensive we need to do something different. - the one who flees can own up to the discomfort caused by the pursuit by saying something like I feel pounced on especially about my feelings. I need time to sort out what's going on and I will talk to you when I'm not frazzled or tired. - Gottman discovered that the avoidance sequence described at attack/withdraw, pursue/retreat, leads to relationship breakups bc of its negative impact. avoidance, or stonewalling, comes after some preliminary episodes. - as we have discussed for the marriages he studied, the destructive sequence consisted of criticizing, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. - thus, avoidance can be viewed within the overall spiral of conflict as leading to eventual dissolution of a relationship. - if avoidance is accepted by both partners, it can stabilize the marriage. avoidance, coupled with dissatisfaction and disagreement is damaging.

Question 48

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Avoidance Spirals - Reciprocity of Negative Emotion Can Lead to Destructive Conflict

Answer 48

- three types of reciprocity can be identified in communication: (1) low-intensity emotion is responded to in kind (anger is met with anger), (2) high-intensity emotion is met in kind (fury is met with fury), (3) low intensity emotion is met with high intensity emotion (hurt is met with rage). - the escalation of negativity by husbands predicted divorce. - when men refused to accept influence from their women partners, the relationship went downhill. - it's important to understand just what is being reported by this finding. Researchers are not saying that men should do what women want, but that meeting negative emotion with more negative emotion predicts relationship breakup. - escalating negativity on the part of men can lead to violent interactions. a team of R's watched videotapes of violent men interacting with their partners. they likened the experienced to that of baseball players at automatic pitching machines who bat back every pitch. these violent men refused to be influence by anything their wives had to say. small requests or complaints were batted back regardless of their merit. - in a companion study of 130 nonviolent couples, 80% of the men who did not accept any influence from their wives ended up divorced. - most women accepted influence from their husbands and that acceptance did not predict anything about their marriage. - the violence relationships is a one-way power struggle gone wild; the escalating spiral of negativity ends in verbal or physical violence. - meeting negative emotion with more negative emotion leads to big problems in relationships

Question 49

Understanding Destructive Conflict: Avoidance Spirals - Retaliation Runs Rampant in Destructive Conflicts

Answer 49

- conflict p's destroy chances for change when they pile up grievances, hold grudges and wait for opportunities to retaliate. don't get mad get even is the watchword for this urge to get back at the other person. - retaliation often becomes paired with covert avoidance. one person acts as though everything is just fine while planning a payback move for later. you can probably think of many retaliatory moves that have either been made against you or made by you. ex: letter to one's supervisor complaining about some indiscretion that the employee committed, a snub such as not inviting someone to a function, a blatant move such as emptying out a partner's savings account, running up phone bills and moving out. dirty tricks inevitably ruin the conflict atmosphere. - humans in various cultures distinguish between the kind of aggression that can be directed against members of their own population and that directed toward other human groups. - Stevens cites a tribe in Brazil, the Mundrucus, who distinguish between themselves whom they call "people" and the rest of the world population, whom they call "pariwat" - these in-group and out-group distinctions allow them to refer to others in the way they would refer to huntable animals. - in North America and Western European cultures, the use of verbally demeaning and abusive com. serves a similar function. whole groups of minorities receive demeaning descriptions and individuals in lower-power positions in relationships suffer from pervasive demeaning, shaming and blaming communication.

Question 50

Your Opportunities

Answer 50

- conflict brings both danger and opportunity and the dangerous aspects are well known. changing our usual behavior, learning to "do what comes unnaturally" requires an examination of one's most deeply held values and spiritual beliefs. - at its most effective, conflict resolution can never be simply a set of techniques, put on or case aside at will. you will want to think and feel through your own principles as you study the subject - if ppl are to survive and thrive, working together is not an option but a necessity. principles learned at the interpersonal level lead to collaborative principles at the global level. bc of this, what you learn about collaboration within relationships will affect a much larger plan of well-being. - Breggin reminds us: in every aspect of life we need better principles for resolving conflict and promoting harmony within ourselves. we need approaches that make personal and political sense, that connects us in a rational and caring manner to ourselves as individuals and to the world around us, including ppl and nature. we need a viewpoint that helps us understand and heal the pain of conflict. - we are connected human beings who must balance our need for personal autonomy with our need for interdependence. we can no longer live by the myth that somewhere out there is a place where we can be completely independent and do as we wish. - in conflict, no one set of principles will always work to keep you our of conflict all together. yet, ppl do change their orientation to conflict and amaze themselves with their ability to transcend formerly destructive situations. - if enough of us are willing to weave webs of connection with others, all our shared hopes for the world can be realized. - long-standing stereotypes can be dissolved, mistrust can be overcome, understanding can be achieved, ppl previously at odds can work together on shared objectives, new levels of creativity can be reached and bonds of community can be strengthened. - in order to find creative solutions, we must be willing to take our conflicts seriously. we need to find ways to manage our worst reactions and call on our best communication. when you improve your conflict skills, you will enrich your life.

Question 51

Summary:

Answer 51

- conflict happens. it is part and parcel of all our interactions - at work, with partners, with friends and families. - this study of conflict will help you learn new responses to situations that inevitably arise. conflict management approaches help in love relationships, family interactions and at work. - conflicts are defined as skills that can be learned, based on principles to contemplate. - principled skills create authentic conflict resolution approaches. - emotional intelligence remains a prerequisite for one's ability to engage in conflict effectively. - conflict is defined as "an expressed struggle between at least two parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals." - destructive conflict damages the parties and their relationship. In marriages, the four horsemen of the apocalypse destructive pattern is CRITICIZING, DEFENSIVENESS, STONEWALLING and CONTEMPT - other negative patterns and individual bad habits are discussed in detail. - escalatory spirals and avoidance spirals are important. - the runaway spirals take on a life of their own and cannot be described by simply describing individual behaviors.

Question 52

VOCAB: Mental Health

Answer 52

- mental health and overall happiness improve with a constructive conflict process. when ppl experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions and strategizing related to those conflicts.

Question 53

VOCAB: Family of Origin

Answer 53

- our family of origin socializes us into constructive or destructive ways of handling conflict that carry over directly into how romantic relationships are later handled.

Question 54

VOCAB: Destructive Marital Conflict

Answer 54

- neg. conflict between parents reduces the family's network of friends and creates more loneliness - conflict between parents tends to both change the mood of household interactions and shift the parents' attention to the negative behaviors of the children. - has direct impact on children - com. patterns between fathers and their young adult children seem to have a circular relationship-the young adults treat their fathers the way they were treated. - conflict between parents predicts well being of children with more conflict associated with maladaptive behavior on the part of the children. - ongoing conflict at home has a great impact on adolescent distress and symptoms than does parental divorce.

Question 55

VOCAB: Conflicts at Work

Answer 55

- present important challenges that affect career development. - conflict is a stubborn fact of organizational life. - we carry our interpersonal relationships into our workplaces; work life and private life intertwine.

Question 56

VOCAB: Unresolved Conflict

Answer 56

- has a tremendous negative impact. - directly affects the parties themselves. in personal relationships, it leads to drifting away from one another and sometimes jettisoning the relationship entirely - in work place it leads to low productivity and being fired

Question 57

VOCAB: Emotional Intelligence

Answer 57

- conflict management draws upon the skills of emotional intelligence. - the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.

Question 58

VOCAB: Prevention

Answer 58

- preventing conflict presents a paradoxical task. prevention implies taking effective measures to ward off something destructive. - there is no reason to spend all our energy taking care of disasters; we need to find out what is causing them and then put our energy toward preventing further disasters.

Question 59

VOCAB: Perception

Answer 59

- is at the core of all conflict analysis. - in interpersonal conflicts, people react as though there are genuinely different goals, there is not enough of a scarce resource and the other person is actually in the way of something prized by the perceiver. - sometimes these conditions are believed to be true, but sorting out what is perceived and what is interpersonally accurate forms the basis of conflict analysis

Question 60

VOCAB: Interpersonal Conflict

Answer 60

- focuses on the communication exchanges that make up the conflict episode

Question 61

VOCAB: Intrapersonal Conflict

Answer 61

- internal strain that creates a state of ambivalence, conflicting internal dialogue, or lack of resolution in one's thinking and feeling. - one may endure intrapersonal conflict for a while before such a struggle is expressed communicatively.

Question 62

VOCAB: Intrapersonal Perceptions

Answer 62

- are the bedrock upon which conflicts are build; but only when there are communicative manifestations of these perceptions with an "interpersonal" conflict emerge

Question 63

VOCAB: Expressed Struggles

Answer 63

- most expressed struggles become activated by a triggering event.

Question 64

VOCAB: Conflict Parties

Answer 64

- conflict parties engage in an expressed struggle and interfere with one another because they are interdependent - a person who is not dependent upon another - that is who has no special interest in what the other does - has no conflict with that other person. - each person's choices affect the other because conflict is a mutual activity. ppl are seldom totally opposed to one another.

Question 65

VOCAB: Interdependent

Answer 65

- a person who is not dependent upon another - that is who has no special interest in what the other does - has no conflict with that other person. - each person's choices affect the other because conflict is a mutual activity. ppl are seldom totally opposed to one another.

Question 66

VOCAB: Strategic Conflict

Answer 66

- conflict in which parties have choices as opposed to conflict in which the power is so disparate that there are virtually no choices

Question 67

VOCAB: Mutual Interests

Answer 67

- parties in strategic conflict, are never totally antagonistic and must have mutual interests, even if the interest is only in keeping the conflict going.

Question 68

VOCAB: Mutual Interdependence

Answer 68

- sometimes parties are locked into a position of mutual interdependence whether they want to be or not. - in some cases, interdependent units do not choose to be interdependent but are so for other compelling reasons.

Question 69

VOCAB: Gridlocked Conflict

Answer 69

- when you are stuck in unproductive interdependence, these conflicts turn into gridlocked conflicts. - trying harder often doesn't work.

Question 70

VOCAB: Perceived Incompatible Goals

Answer 70

- sometimes goals are not as opposed at they may seem. many times the content goals seem to be different, like which restaurant to go to, but beneath them is a relational struggle over who gets to decide. - regardless of whether the p's see the goal as similar or different, perceived incompatible goals are central to all conflicts.

Question 71

VOCAB: Perceived Scarce Resources

Answer 71

- a close friend often thinks that if their bf begins to like someone else too then the supply of affection available to the original friend will diminish, a perceived scarce resource. - sometimes the most appropriate behavior is attempting to change the other person's perception of the resource instead of trying to reallocate the resource.

Question 72

VOCAB: Power

Answer 72

- in interpersonal conflict, two resources often seen/perceived as scarce are power and self-esteem

Question 73

VOCAB: Self-Esteem

Answer 73

- in interpersonal conflict, two resources often seen/perceived as scarce are power and self-esteem

Question 74

VOCAB: Perceived Interference

Answer 74

- interference, or the perception of interference, is necessary to complete the conditions for conflict. if the presence of another person interferes with desired actions, conflict intensifies. - conflict is associated with blocking and the person doing the blocking is perceived as the problem

Question 75

VOCAB: Destructive Conflicts

Answer 75

- if all p's are dissatisfied with the outcomes of a conflict and think they have lost as a result, then the conflict is classified as destructive.

Question 76

VOCAB: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Answer 76

- Gottman refers to the following four communication practices as the four horsemen of the apocalypse, meaning that when these four behaviors "ride in" to a relationship, the end is near. - criticizing (the critical start-up), defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt

Question 77

VOCAB: Critical Start-up

Answer 77

- the first moments of a conflict interaction can set the scene for a constructive or destructive conflict.

Question 78

VOCAB: Defensive Climate

Answer 78

- ppl use defensiveness when t hey are com a desire to protect themselves against fear, pain, personal responsibility, or new info. if a person can listen to learn about oneself and the other, defensiveness drops away - when defensiveness predominates, many destructive outcomes occur such as power struggles, boredom, lack of fun and joy, chronic fighting emotional pain and distance and desire to retaliate.

Question 79

VOCAB: Supportive Climate

Answer 79

- use descriptive, problem-solving, spontaneous, empathetic, equal, and provisionalism methods to achieve a supportive climate.

Question 80

VOCAB: Escalatory Spiral

Answer 80

- the relationship will continue to circle around to more and more damaging ends; the interaction becomes self-perpetuating. - it's characteristics are misunderstanding, discord and destruction. - the spiral of negativity occurs if the conflict continues unabated and feeds upon itself. the three parts - the behaviors, the perceptions of others and the perceptions of the relationship - mutually reinforce each other.

Question 81

VOCAB: Avoidance Spiral

Answer 81

- one form is an active attempt to lesses dependence on each other. by making such an attempt, each party reduces the influence of the other on his or her choices. - both parties then become less invested in the relationships.

Question 82

VOCAB: Dance of Intimacy

Answer 82

- Lerner's dance of intimacy means that one partner specializes in initiating convo, commenting on the lack of closeness between the partners, bringing up feelings and issues to get them resolved and drawing the other partner out by asking q's like "you seem preoccupied what's going on? "we don't seem close these past few weeks" - then the "dance" of distance is engaged in as the other partner minimizes the problems, denies anything is wrong, promises to do better, comments on content problems only, avoids discussion of any relationship issues, or gives excuses like "I've just been super busy" "I'm distracted by work" - the conflict remains unresolved bc each partner specializes in a role that is so prescribed, whether initiating or feeling, that the issues remain unexplored.