CHAPTER 4

Question 1

POWER - THE STRUCTURE OF CONFLICT

What Is Power?

Answer 1

• power is the ability to achieve a purpose, whether it is good or bad depends on the purpose. - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
• just as energy is a fundamental concept in physics, power is a fundamental concept in conflict theory.
• in interpersonal and all other conflicts, perceptions of power are at the heart of any analysis.
• hundreds of definitions of power tend to fall into three clusters. power is seen as (1) designated (power given by your position), (2) distributive (either/or power), and (3) integrative (both/and power)
• DESIGNATED POWER: comes from your position, such as being a manager, mother or father, or the leader of a team. your power is conferred by the position you hold. the instructor in your course, has some sources of power given by the role - assigning grades and writing letters or recommendation to schools you may want to attend
• DISTRIBUTIVE POWR: this power focuses on power over or against the other party. for example, if you see dominance as the key to power, you see power as distributive. power means domination-you either dominate the other or you are forced or manipulated into a low-power role.
• INTEGRATIVE POWER: this definition of power assumes all parties in a dispute have power. integrative definitions focus on “both/and” - each party has to achieve something in a relationship. we expand this view calling it the “relational view” of power, which accounts for how all conflict parties see power. we will also argue, it is not what outsiders say about power, but the views the conflict parties have that determine the outcomes of their conflict.
• sometimes all we can do in conflicts is keep the destruction from spiraling out of control, or negotiate an uneasy “balance of terror.”
• often, thankfully, alternatives to the top-down exercise of power emerge when ppl commit themselves to finding them.
• constructive use of power solves problems, enhances relationships, and balances power, at least during the interaction. when that happens, the hard work that goes into learning about conflict management is worth it.

Question 2

Orientations of Power

Answer 2

• in chapter 2 you learned that your particular views of self, other and relationship are the key ingredients in a conflict (along with other’s perceptions of these)
• when a dispute occurs between two people, they often talk about power, and their perspectives will predispose them to engage in certain communicative moves.
• ppl feel passionately about power0who has it, who ought to have more or less, how people misuse power, and how justified they feel in trying to gain more power for themselves.
• we each need enough power to live the life we want. we want to influence events that matte to us. we want to have our voices heard and make a difference. we want to protect ourselves against perceived harm. we want to hold ourselves in high esteem and we need to highly regard those we care about. we do not want to be victimized, misused, or demeaned. no one can escape feeling the effects of power-whether we have too much or too little.
• when ppl struggle with each other, they almost never agree on anything having to do with power. for ex., you might be a student intern in a real estate firm and you feel that brokers have all the power. the brokers, on the other hand, see you having sources of power such as your close connection to others in the office, your ability to help the brokers do their jobs and your knowledge of the real estate business you gained working last summer. if you see yourself as low power you are likely to keep silent even when you disagree-giving the impression that you agree when you don’t. if, on the other hand, you feel that both you and the brokers have sources of power you will be more likely to engage in discussion to work through issues. if you think of yourself as just a lowly intern, you may miss many opportunities to be a team member bc you have assessed your power inaccurately.

Question 3

Orientations of Power

continued

Answer 3

• you probably have an emotional response when you hear the word power. Kipnis notes “like love, we know that power exists, but we cannot agree on a description of it.”
• power play, high powered, bull headed, power source, run over, sneaky, devious, authority, influence, strong-arm, overpower, bulldozed, low powered, etc
• as you can see by the list, ppl have dif views of power, some positive and some negative. some ppl see power as good and exciting. others see power as instinctive, something we all possess innately.
• still others see power as the result of political skill; as a charismatic thing that ppl have within themselves.
• we respond to conflict differently based in part on our different orientations to what power is - positive, negative or benign.

Question 4

Orientations of Power:

Designated Power

Answer 4

• designated power, or position power, is easily seen.
• the president of the US, police, the chairperson of the PTA, the student gov. leader, your boss at work, etc. all are designated to have power by their position.
• if you work, your supervisor has power based on her or his position. those who follow politics often emphasize the “role” or “position” that one has is the most important source of power.
• thus, a news story about the US senate or house of reps often focuses on the “majority leader” of that body, who has “designated” power. similarly, almost all dictionary definitions of power will have something akin to “the position of control or command over others”
• such conceptions of power, of course, reflect the positional ability to marshal resources. your classroom instructor can assign your grade and your supervisor at work can give you a raise. these notions of power are easy to list.
• for example, labor laws specify what things employers can and cannot do, and in a college setting, academic freedom means the instructor can usually set their own grading scale and apply their own criteria to assigning grades.

Question 5

Orientations of Power:

Either/Or Power
distributive power

Answer 5

• designated positional power and distributive power both share a common threat. take a look at the list of words associate with power-most of them show an either/or association.
• you have power in order to move others against their will; it becomes a contest of the wills when you are in a “power struggle.” many ppl think that power is only “force” - pushing others around against their will.
• when you read about nations using military might against other nations, you see either/or power in operation.
• once a relationship begins to go downhill, concerns with power heighten. as any relationship deteriorates, the parties shift to a more overt focus on power-and this shift is reflected in their discourse.
• in fact, a characteristic of destructive conflict is that parties start thinking and talking about power. almost no one thinks that he or she has more power than the other, at least when emotions run very high. we think the other has more power, which then justifies dirty tricks and our own attempt to gain more power.
• we often see ourselves as blameless victims of the other’s abuse of power. when partners are caught in this destructive cycle of either/or power, their communicative interactions show a lot of “one up” responses, or attempts to demonstrate conversational power over each other.
• partners might say “she is just trying to control me” or “i’m not going to let him push me around.”
• ppl, whether married couples or work colleagues, try to “keep score” - watching the points they have a vis-a-vis the other party.
• when partners develop an overt concern with power, their struggles over power are directly related to relationship satisfaction

Question 6

Orientations of Power:

Either/Or Power
distributive power

Answer 6

• the focus for a dispute becomes power-who has the right to move the other. the teen who says “you can’t boss me around” the spouse who shouts “just who do you think you are?” and the colleague who says “well, we’ll see who the boss is around here!” are all giving power center stage in the dispute
• these struggles usually escalate. dissatisfied couples are more than three times as likely to escalate episodes and focus on power than satisfied couples.
• using the terms we developed in ch. 3, power becomes the overriding relationship concern.
• we are not suggesting that power shouldn’t be an issue. rather, we suggest that when power itself becomes the main focus of thinking and discussion, parties are likely to be invovled in an escalating power struggle, and may well have temporarily lost sight of their original interests.
• notice in figure 4.1 that disputes also involve rights and interests. rights, similar to our idea of core concerns, include not being discriminated against, being free from physical harm, and other constitutional and legal guarantees that we have as citizens. sometimes it is more appropriate that disputes get settled on the basis of rights rather than on power and interests. for example, if the famous brown vs board of education case in 1954 outlawing segregation in public schools had been settled on the basis of power, it would have resulted in a struggle in the streets. if on the other hand it had been settled on the basis of interests, Brown might have negotiated her way into school but the country’s social policy would not have changed.

Question 7

Orientations of Power:

Either/Or Power
distributive power

Answer 7

• when we solve a dispute based on interests, the goals and desires of the parties are the key elements. for instance, if you don’t want your teen son to use the car, you can tell him it’s not okay as long as you pay the expenses in the house (power); let him know that you own their car (rights); or let him know that you are dissatisfied with how he drives and until you are comfortable and convinced that he will be safe you will not lend your car to him (interests)
• thus, disputes can occur on any one of the three levels. when power becomes the only personal goal, the dispute is harder to resolve.
• figure 4.2 illustrates an effective system. notice that the emphasis is on interests with rights and power playing smaller but still important roles. as you can see by comparing the two figures, an overemphasis on power is symptomatic of a distressed system.

Question 8

Orientations of Power:

Both/And Power
integrative

Answer 8

• rather than always seeing power and either/or (designate and distributive), you can view it as both/and. in many interpersonal relationships ppl just can’t envision power in terms other than “either/or” or “win/lose”
• yet, a study of the dynamics of successful disputes and ongoing relationships reveals that power functions on a broader basis than either/or thinking.
• disputes become power struggles if the parties define them as such. conceptually, the alternative to framing disputes as power struggles is to place power in a position subordinate to rights and needs.
• culturally, we learn to see power in diverse ways, if, for ex., you see power as a way to benefit and help others, you will act differently than if you want to maximize power for your individual self. the lack of verbal fighting in Japanese and Javanese cultures appears to exists bc harmony and cooperation are basic values, and verbal contradiction is not the automatic first choice in conflict.
• a more accepted process is to affirm the strengths of each person’s position, let them stand without attack, and then joining in exploring other options.

Question 9

Orientations of Power:

Both/And Power
integrative

Answer 9

• both/and power is often the first choice of women in our culture. researchers at the Jean Baker Miller Center and Wellesley have spent four decades explicating “relational theory” in an attempt to balance the traditional male orientation that permeates US culture. in their view, relational theory is a belief system that describes how growth and effectiveness occur.
• masculine theories, which were accepted as the only psychologically sound theories, often assumed that maturity and competence depend on autonomy, or separation from constraints, other people, and group identity.
• boys, for instance, learn to relate to power through games and competition more than girls do. boys learn to be comfortable with the hierarchy of teams, captains, coaches, and bosses. girls learn to play with less focus on hierarchy. many girls games are cooperative in nature, with girls taking roles to play out, after discussing together what to do. “there’s no boss in dolls”
• for boys, conflict means competition, which often enhances relationships. for girls, competition is often painful and damages relationships. girls often to look for a win/win situation.
• relational theory presumes maturity and competence depend on growth-in-connection and mutuality. the ability to develop relationally depends on mutual empathy, mutual empowerment, and responsibility to both oneself and others. it also invovles expressing emotion, learning from vulnerability, participating in the development of another, and enhancing each other’s efforts. it is a shared positive power.
• when ppl work in teams, the ability to use mutual power is necessary. making the project work, moving toward mutual goals, and getting a new effort up and running requires skills very different from those used with either/or power. yet, this kind of mutuality often is not valued as much as the more masculine either/or power.
• Fletcher explains how relational work disappears in orgs since it is not categorized as “real work”
• for instance, preventing problems is not seen as being as important as solving problems in some work environments.
• mothers who coordinate high complex family activities sometimes are seen as “not working” bc their efforts involve interaction among all family members instead of major attention being given to their own schedule and needs.
• Fletcher’s research with engineering firms showed that in a culture that prizes individual achievement and winning, voluntarily helping others was seen as naive and powerless.

Question 10

following case shows the difference between either or/and both power.

Answer 10

• Lynn and Daniel are a married couple in their 30s. Daniel is employed as a smoke jumper supervisor. This work requires him to be ready literally at a moment’s notice to get in a plan and direct safety activities for firefighters from various regions when a fire breaks out. Lynn and Daniel have two small kids ages 2 and 4. They have decided that for now, the family needs are best served by Lynn’s being the primary parent, and taking care of the kids, especially since Daniel is sometimes gone for weeks during the fire season.
• Here’s where the problem comes in. in Daniel’s family the person making the money had the power. he believes that since Lynn is not making much money (she works part time as a piano teacher), she should not make major purchases without his permission. he expects Lynn to pay the necessary bills but to ask him for money when she needs it for household expenses.
• Lynn is angry and sometimes feels defeated since in her view, Daniel does not know the needs of the household. she thinks she should be able to make expenditures as she sees fit. when she wants to plan a trip or buy something out of the ordinary, Daniel says “make the money then, I’m working as hard as I can”
• Lynn believes Daniel completely devalues her work at home.

Question 11

Orientations of Power:

How Might Lynn and Daniel Talk About Their Conflict?

Answer 11

• What Lynn Feels and Thinks: she feels furious some of the time; she often feels misunderstood and devalued. she sees herself as extremely careful with household expenses. she shops when needed items are on sale, watches for good grocery store values, and buys the kids’ clothes at consignment shops. she saws clothes and toys with other moms of young kids. she often feels competent and powerful in her role. she loves her kids is glad to be home with them and experiences her mothering as a chosen job. truth be told, she is often glad when Daniel is gone on a fire, bc she can make decision without going through him. she loves him but is often angry with him and feels sad bc her affection diminishes when they fight.
• in Lynn’s family, money was always very tight and she is proud of her skills at stretching a small budget. her mom did the same kind of good job that she is doing and her dad appreciated her mom’s efforts. her father worked as the manager of a small town store so he was present in the home and often compliment Lynn’s mom on her homemaking skills. Lynn has a degree in com. with a minor in children development. she is upset that she and Daniel have not been able to solve their chronic ongoing conflict about expenses. Lynn now sees Daniel as just wanting to have all of the power. in her view, he lords it over her since she doesn’t make money. Lynn sees her self as making money by saving the family money.
• then a trigger event arises. Daniel is gone for six weeks on a major fire. during that time, Lynn’s mother develops breast cancer. Daniel is out of cell phone contact for much of the time he is gone. Lynn decides to fly herself and the kids to the Midwest to be with her mom for the period when Mom is deciding what kind of treatment to pursue. Lynn puts the tickets on the credit card.
• nothing is more important than being with my family at this time, Lynn thinks. Daniel will be mad but he has to understand my values. I’ll let him know how important this is to me and mom. she hasn’t seen the kids in over a yr and it’s the right thing to do.

Question 12

Orientations of Power:

How Might Lynn and Daniel Talk About Their Conflict?

Answer 12

• What Daniel Thinks and Feels: he agrees that it is important for his wife to be home with the kids. he agrees that she should go to graduate school if she wants to when the kids are in school. he loves her and feels fortunate to have found her. he thinks she is a good mother. he is very concerned about his job. his major concern is his safety and the safety of his crew. he has to make very hard judgment calls that affect their safety. he has a degree in forestry and resource management. while he has had a chance to move out of active firefighting, since he trains and supervises during non fire seasons, he likes the challenge of making good judgment calls and is popular with his crew.
• they trust him and like working with him bc he is good and makes good calls. they trust him and like working with him bc he is skilled and fair. he is a quick thinker and a no nonsense leader who feels his responsibilities deeply.
• at home, he loves to be a father to his kids. he misses them when he is god and misses his wife. he worried about money since for now he is the sole earner. his ability to earn extra money depends on his hardship pay, which means being gone for more than a few days. his father and mom argued about money. his father made most of it while his mom worked part time while raising five kids. his father was a school admin and an alcoholic, although most of the ppl in their community did not know it. he was abusive to the kids and demeaning to their mom. Daniel made the decision when he first left home to never be that way, he made his own peace with his dad, who admires Daniel for his work. He is also close with his mom.
• Daniel thinks he and Lynn are doing a good job raising their kids and getting along as young parents. however, he becomes mad when Lynn spends more than a budgeted amount of money without checking wit him. he does not see their arrangement as one that requires “Lynn has to ask me” rather he feels it as a matter of respect. he is not interested in what he considers “frills” and disagrees with Lynn’s choices about some of the ways to spend money, especially on trips, vacays, and family visits. he thinks those expenditures can wait until they are both working. he has not seen his parents and siblings in three years, they communicate infrequently although he calls him mom often when he comes back from a fire since she worries.
• when Daniel was able to call Lynn and found out that she was leaving the next day to see her mom he was so mad and told Lynn her wanted her to cancel her plans.

Question 13

Orientations of Power:

The Communication Possibilities:

Answer 13

• L and D will not be able to see each other for at least two weeks. they have never been more at odds with one another in their eight years of marriage. here are some INEFFECTIVE ways for Lynn to begin resolving their conflict:
• we may not have the money but that’s what emergency credit cards are for. we can deal with the expenses later
• you can’t tell me when to see my own mom when she is scared and sick
• sure you couldn’t possibly understand a normal relationship with a parent, given how sick your family is.
• if you try to stop i’ll go away and maybe won’t come home
• my dad sent me the money even tho it’s not true she thinks she can deal with it later
• you are breaking my heart and i’ll never forgive you
• i’ve already told the kids we are going to see gma
• you can’t possibly understand how I feel

here are some INEFFECTIVE ways for Daniel to begin resolving their conflict:

• you do not have the right to make decisions without me
• you care nothing for how hard i am working it will take a year to pay off this trip
• can’t you talk to her on the phone every day?
• leave the kids with your friend she owes you some babysitting time
• you are being unreasonable. wait until you know what is going to happen and then maybe we can work out a trip.
• don’t you care what i think? is this all up to you?
• you have no sense of what the limits are to what i make. if you want to go, get a part time job

Question 14

Orientations of Power:

Power Denial

Answer 14

• some ppl dislike any discussion of power. they may deny that power and influence are appropriate topics for discussion.
• one student wrote that in her relationship with her bf, no one has to have power-we just listen to each other, try to respond with love and always put the relationship and each other first. she seems to think that acknowledging any use of power would destroy her perfect relationship with her boyfriend.
• many ppl view power as negative and find “explicit references to power in bad taste”
• Cahill conducting research on married couples, encountered this view when he interviewed them about their relationship. when he asked them about decision making, persuasive techniques and disagreements, the discussions flowed smoothly. but when he asked about their relative amounts of power, he encountered long silences, halting answers, obvious embarrassment and reluctance to speak on the topic. it’s been noted that when ppl were told they had high drives to achieve or affiliate, they derived great satisfaction from the feedback, but ppl who were told they had a high drive for power they experienced guilt.
• in its extreme form. reluctance to talk about power emerges as power denial. haley listed four common attempts ppl use to deny that they exercise power.
• these four forms of power denial are presented in the following:
  1. Deny that you communicated something
  2. Deny that something was communicated
  3. Deny that you communicated something to the other person
  4. Deny that the situation even existed for example “that didn’t happen. you remember it completely wrong”

Question 15

Orientations of Power:

```
Power Denial
continued
~~~

Answer 15

1. the speaker can deny he or she is communicating in a number of ways, such as saying i’m not myself when i drink or it’s just the pressure i’m under that’s making me act like such a grouch. you may hear them claim “I can’t help it. i told you i was jealous. i’m not responsible for what i said”
   - to say that you are not responsible for our communication lets you exercise control (if others accept your claim) while denying that you are doing so.
2. denying that a message was communicated is another way to ignore the existence of power. the simplest way to deny communication is to say “I did not say that” since this kind of denial usually gets you in trouble after a while, another form develops such as “I forgot I said that did i really say that? i didn’t mean that”
   - for example, a supervisor might consistently forget to include new members of a staff in the email list. as a result, the newer, less powerful members, are often late for meetings or miss them entirely, having to reschedule other meetings at the last minute. when confronted by those left out, the supervisor say oh my administrative aide is responsible for scheduling meetings.
3. denying that a message was communicated to a particular person is another way of expressing discomfort with the exercise of power. for example, a sales person rings the doorbell of an apartment complex
   - salesperson: hello i’d like to taking this opportunity to….
   - apartment dweller: people are bothering me too much. oh i’m not talking about you, it’s just that everyone bugs me day in and day out. i get no peace of mind. i wish the world would calm down and leave me alone
   - salesperson: maybe i can see you another time. i’m sorry i bothered you
   - the person who was bothered is exercising considerable control in the communicative transaction and also denying that the remarks are not meant for the particular salesperson. another common way of denying that you comments were addressed to the other person is to claim that you were just thinking out loud
4. the last way to deny communicative power attempts is to deny that what has been said applies to this situation. saying I’m used to being treated unfairly by others; I probably always will be. denies the clear implication that you feel that other is treating you in a demeaning manner. one employee left work without notifying the supervisor. she has been working extra hours in order to finish a report due to their funding agency. as she left she was heard to say let’s see how everyone can get along without my help since they seem to ignore my suggestions. when the supervisor confronted the employee on the overheard statement, she said oh i was just under stress from working all weekend. i didn’t mean anything about the rest of the team. they’re doing the best they can. the employee who left denied that she used her power to withhold her expertise under deadline pressure. she also denied the importance of what she said.

Question 16

Orientations of Power:

```
Power Denial
continued
~~~

Answer 16

• all of these examples are ways that ppl can deny exercising power in a relationship, when in fact they are exercising power.
• whenever you com with another, what you say and do exercises some communicative control-you either go along with someone else’s definition of the conflict, struggle over the definition, or supply it yourself. even if you would rather be seen as a person who does not exert power, you exercise influence on how the conflict interaction is going to be defined.
• we have noticed that people who hold high-power positions are particularly prone to denying that they have or use power. we now say that directors, presidents, CEOs, doctors, teachers, managers, parents “you have more power than you think. you may not see yourself that way but here are some of the communication consequences of being in your position”
• you don’t know what ppl don’t want you to know
• you hear about 1/10 of the grapevine info
• ppl are more cautious/afraid/nervous/withholding than you think they are
• the open door policy that you talk about is not effective
• your supervisees cover up what they don’t know
• your team may express agreement and approval of your ideas, then talk among themselves about problems with your ideas

Question 17

Orientations of Power:

```
Power Denial
continued
~~~

Answer 17

• ppl in high power positions must take specific com. steps to address the natural outcomes of unequal power.
• the most common ineffective message we see in orgs is one sent by email to “everyone” which invites ppl to come talk when there is a problem.
• more effective ways to balance power can be used. we will talk about this later in the chapter.
• for now, remember, if you are in a position of designated leadership or organizational power, the communication around you changes.
• lower-power ppl cannot productively balance the power without the help of the higher-power ppl.
• the fact that power is central to the study of conflict does not mean that ppl are always sneaky and try to get power illegitimately. rather, the productive exercise of personal power is crucial to your self-concept.
• without some exercise of power in your interpersonal relationships, you would soon feel worthless as a person.
• remember that just as one cannot NOT communicate, you do not have the option of not using power. we only have options about whether to use power destructively or productively for ourselves and our relationships.

Question 18

A Relational Theory of Power

Answer 18

• a common perception is that power is an attribute of a person.
• if you say Lynn is a powerful person, you may, if she is your friend, be referring to such attributes as verbal facility, intelligence, compassion, warmth and understanding. or you may refer to a politician as powerful, alluding to her ability to make deals, call in favors, remember names and faces, and understand complex economic issues.
• in interpersonal relationships, however, a relational theory of power explains status more effectively.
• excluding situations of unequal physical power and use of violence, power is a property of the social relationships rather than a quality of an individual.
• Lynn, for instance, has power with her friends because she has qualities they value. when she suggests something to do, like going on an annual women’s backpacking trip, her friends try to clear their calendars bc they like her, have fun with her and feel understood by her. Lynn has a way of making a group feel cohesive and at ease. but if an acquaintance hated backpacking, didn’t like some of the other ppl going on the trip and was irritated at Lynn bc of a misunderstanding that hasn’t yet cleared up, Lynn’s power with the irritated acquaintance would lessen considerably.
• power is not owned by an individual. the particular relationship creates the power distribution. therefore, power is a productive of the communication relationship.
• certain qualities matter in this relationship such as economic resources, love and affection or networking skills. rather than residing in people, “power is always interpersonal”
• in the strictest sense, except when violence and physical coercion are used, power is given from one party to another in a conflict. power can be taken away when a situation changes. power dynamics are fluid, changing, and dependent on the specific relationship and context.
• each person in a conflict has some degree of power, though one party may have more compared to the other, and the power can shift during a conflict.

Question 19

A Relational Theory of Power

continued

Answer 19

• power is based on one’s dependence on resources or currencies that another person controls or seems to possess.
• a person’s power is directly tied to the nature of the relationship. in terms of two people, A and B, person A has power over person B to the extent that B is dependent on A for goal attainment.
• likewise, person B has power over person A to the extent that A is dependent on B.
• PAB=DBA (the power of A over B is equal to the dependence that B has on A) and
• PBA=DAB (the power of B over A is equal to the dependence that A has on B)
• your dependence on another person is a function of (1) the importance of the goals the other can influence and (2) the availability of the other avenues for you to accomplish what you want.
• the dependence of actor B upon actor A is directly proportional to B’s motivational investment in goals mediated by A, and inversely proportional to the availability of those goals to B outside of the A-B relationship.
• in a mutually beneficial relationship, power is not fixed, but shifts as each becomes dependent in a positive way on the resources the other person may offer. this process builds a relationships and takes time to accomplish.

Question 20

Defining Interpersonal Power

Answer 20

• building on the ideas of power, dependence, and resource control, we offer this definition of interpersonal power: interpersonal power is the ability to influence a relational partner in any context bc you control, or at least the partner perceives that you control, resources that the partner needs, values, desires or fears. interpersonal power also includes the ability to resist the influence attempts of a partner.
• often it is difficult to hold on to the idea of interpersonal power. under stress, we go back to “she has power because she has a supportive family” or “I have power bc I don’t care” (when the person usually does care).
• of course it is true that certain areas of expertise can bring power. some ppl may be valued by others bc of the excellent cooking skills they have, or bc they have taken an emergency first responder course, or bc they know their way around a large city.
• however, if their conflict partners do not value these areas of expertise, the expertise does not bring power.
• power in a relationships depends on control of resources valued by the partner.

Question 21

Defining Interpersonal Power

continued

Answer 21

• many conflicts go awry bc one person believes their own expertise in, for instance, child rearing, Spanish, or map-reading gives them power in certain situations. one case where the expertise did not activate power was in a group of women friends visiting Costa Rica. one of the leaders spoke Spanish. she developed a good convo relationship with several guides who wanted to take the women on a zip line tour of the tropical canopy. however, when the women saw the height of the platforms and the length of the zip lines they opted out. no matter how hard the leader tried to convince he women that the guides thought the activity was perfectly safe, translating the Spanish with great skill, the group had already made up their minds - reassurance or no reassurance, they were not climbing on those platforms
• increasing another’s dependence on you can be constructive or destructive. in the following case, mutual dependence is constructive in the beginning but in the end a destructive outcome occurred.
• in “power play” a seemingly unequal power situation was suddenly balance by the resignation of an assistant- a classic “got you now” move on the part of the lower-power person. each of the p’s in this conflict attempted to exercise power. when the administrative assistant assured the physician that she would take care of the arrangement for the conference and then did not, she destructively increased (temporarily) the doctor’ dependence on her. if the physician had rethought the flexible time needs of the office staff and then given desire resources (flexible time off) this change would have been an example of constructively increasing dependencies.

Question 22

Defining Interpersonal Power

continued

Answer 22

• one way to reduce power others have over you is to change your goals. if after a few yrs in a job a person is not valued by an org, a change of goals is likely to occur. this disenchanted employee might say it is not important to me what they pay me for this job. i’ll just do the minimal amount of work and expend all my creative energy on my hobbies.
• by altering the importance of the goal, you reduce the power the other has over you.
• the often-heard remark “there are other fish in the sea” used when a person has been dropped in a love affair, is just another way of saying that you have alternative sources for accomplishing your goals. (or at least you hope you do and you want other ppl to think you do)
• com. plays a very important role in working out interdependence. ppl try to persuade others that they are valuable, that they need to be connected, and that the other’s needs can be met best in a constructive relationship with the person doing the persuading.
• communicating about the value you offer another is one way of increasing your power; the other becomes more dependent on you, and thus you have more power in that relationship. for ex., recently Cheryl moved to a new state and she immediately began going out with Jon, who had lived there for a long time. Jon took her on trips, introduced her to his wide circle of friends, and introduced her to cross-country skiing, rafting and rock climbing. when Cheryl became disenchanted with Jon and made one attempt to break up with him, he reminded her of all the plans they had made for the future and that he was going to include her on a big rafting trip she wanted to do. he was attempting to persuade her of the importance of what he provided her-he tried to influence her perception of his positive power.
• unfortunately, she was unhappy enough that she had already investigated other ways to raft and climb and decided a mediocre relationship is not what she wanted. his influence attempt had failed and they broke up.

Question 23

Individual Power Currencies

Answer 23

• if you have traveled in a foreign country you have have struggled with the different currencies. Euros used in Greece are worthless in India, where rupees are used.
• likewise, a pocket full of rupees is worthless in France, unless you exchange them.
• just as money depends on the context where it is to be spent (the country), you POWER CURRENCIES depend on how much your particular resources are valued by the other person in a relationship context.
• you may have a vast amount of expertise in the rules of basketball, but if your frat needs an intramural football coach, your currencies are not as valuable.
• power depends on having currencies that other people need. in the same manner, if other ppl possess currencies you value, such as the ability to edit your term paper or give you a ride, they potentially maintain some degree of power over you in your relationship with them.
• conflict is often confusing bc people try to spend a currency that is not valued in a particular relationship.
• power currencies are classified in many dif. ways by researchers. one classic categorization is Raven and French’s bases of power as reward, coercive, legitimate, referent and expert.
• Kipnis maintains that influential tacts are best classified as threats and promises, persuasion, reinforcement control and information control.
• May notes five types of power: exploitative, manipulative, competitive, nutrient, and integrative.
• Folger, Poole and Strutman supply this list: special skills and abilities, expertise about the task, personal attractiveness and likability, control over rewards and or punishments, formal position in a group, loyal allies, persuasive skills, and control over critical group possessions.

Question 24

Individual Power Currencies

continued

Answer 24

• regardless of the various labels, everyone has potential currencies that may be used to balance or gain power in a relationship. even when you devalue your own currency, a careful analysis can show you areas of wealth. the following box presents a list of general interpersonal power currencies.
• the acronym RICE will help you recall the power currencies.

R: Resource Control - often comes with one’s formal position in an organization or group. an example is the controlling of rewards or punishments such as salary, number of hours worked or firing. parents control resources such as money, freedom, cars, and privacy for teens.
I: Interpersonal Linkages - your position in the larger system, such as being central to the communication exchange. if you are a liaison person between to factions, serve as a bridge between two groups that would otherwise not have information about each other, or have a network of friends who like each other, you have linkage currencies.
C: Communication Skills - conversational skills, persuasive ability, listening skills, group leadership skills, the ability to communicate caring and warmth, and the ability to form close bonds with others all contribute to interpersonal power.
E: Expertise - special knowledge, skills and talents that useful for the task at hand. being an expert in a content areas such as budget analysis, computer skills, fixing houses, or local knowledge of real estate choices give you power when others need your expertise.

Question 25

Individual Power Currencies: (R) - Resource Control

Answer 25

- resource control often results from attaining a formal position that brings resources to you. the president, regardless of personal qualities, will haves have the resources that go along with the job. leadership and position, by their very nature create dependence. - power goes with leadership an designated positions, such as CEO, supervisor, or parents. whatever your position-secretary, boss, chairperson, teacher, manager or volunteer, you will be in a position to control resources that others desire. - many resources are economic in nature, such as money, gifts and material possessions. many ppl try to be close and supportive to those around them by buying gifts. they trade on economic currencies in order to obtain intimacy currencies from others. their gifts are not always valued enough to bring them what they want, however. a person who gives others valuable gifts or renders them important services makes a claim for superior status by obligating them to himself. - ppl with little money usually have limited access to these forms of power. - college grads who can't find jobs must remain financially dependent on others, thus limiting independence on both sides. - elderly ppl whose savings shrink due to inflation lose power; mothers with children and no means of support lost most of their choices about independence, thus losing most of their potential power. - economic currencies are not the only important type of power currency, but they operate in personal conflicts as well as in larger conflicts.

Question 26

Individual Power Currencies: (I) - Interpersonal Linkage

Answer 26

- another cluster of power currencies comes from one's interpersonal linkages, a set of currencies dependent on your interpersonal contacts and networks of friends and supporters. - ppl often obtain power based on whom they know and with whom they associate. for instance, if you have a good friend who has a rustic cabin at the ocean you can share with others, they have attained some power (if they want to go to the ocean) bc of your ability to obtain things through other ppl - interpersonal linkages help one attain power through coalition formation. whenever you band together with another, such as a good friend, to gain some sense of strength, this coalition can be a form of power. - this small boy who says you better not hit me, bc if you do my big sister will beat you up, understands the potential value of coalitions. - similarly, Jason, a four year old boy invented a friendly ghost, Karsha, who would come to help him in times of difficulty. after one particular trying day with his younger sister, Jason recited to his father the virtues of Karsha. Karsha was bigger than a mountain, a giant who comes in the mornings and kills spiders with his hands. she also makes electricity and has long hair. she is mean to babies that bite little boys. - interpersonal linkages are a source of power when ppl check out their network for what classes to take, where jobs might be available, where rentals might be found and other kinds of info. "who you know" is often a source of power.

Question 27

Individual Power Currencies: (C) - Communication Skills

Answer 27

- one's com. skills are also serves as potential power currencies. if you can lead a group in a decision-making process, speak persuasively, write a news release for your org, serve as an informal mediator between angry ppl, you will gain power bc of your good com. skills. - almost all companies hiring college grads these days stress good and oral/written com. skills. - likewise, if you can facilitate the social process of a group, serve as the fun-loving joker of the family or get convos started at work, others typically will value you. remember, only when these currencies are valued by others will they increase your power. - com. skills also include the ability to form bonds with others through love, sex, caring, nurturing, understanding, empathetic listening, warmth, attention, and other characteristics of intimate relationships. if a dad provides genuine warmth and understanding to his teen daughter who is going through a hard time at school, his support is a currency for him in their relationship. - some ppl draw others to them bc they listen attentively, remember what is important to others, and ask qs that show the importance of others. one cannot become an effective conflict manager without excellent interpersonal com. skills.

Question 28

Individual Power Currencies: (E) - Expertise

Answer 28

- expertise currencies are special skills or knowledge someone else values. the worker who is the only one that can operate the boiler at a large lumber mill has power bc the expertise is badly needed. - the medical doctor who specializes in a particular area has expertise power bc her skills and info are needed by others. - almost all professions develop specialized expertise valued by others, which serves as a basis of power for ppl in the profession. - family members develop expertise in certain areas that others within the family come to depend on, such as cooking, repairing the car, keeping track of bdays and anniversaries, or babysitting. - we limit our own power when we develop some currencies at the expense of others. for example, women have traditionally been most comfortable at providing more warmth and affection than do men. if this particular com. skills is developed at the expense of the ability to clarify group discussion, a women unnecessarily limits her power potential - the person who trades on currencies of interpersonal linkages, such as access to the boss, may neglect the development of expertise. the person who gains power by controlling resources, such as money or sex, may neglect the development of communication skills, resulting in a relationship based on coercive instead of shared power; withdrawing warmth in intimate relationships too often substitutes for good communication skills. - a worker who focuses on the development of expertise in computer programming and system analysis may ignore the potential power through interpersonal linkages, thus furthering a tendency toward isolation in the org. - the most effective conflict p develops several forms of power currencies and knows when to activate the dif. forms of power. a repertoire of currencies is a better base for sharing power than exclusive reliance on one form of power, which can lead to a misuse of power. - clarifying the currencies available to you and the other parties in a conflict helps in the conflict analysis. ppl are often unaware of their own sources of productive power, just as they do not understand their own dependence on others. - desperation and low-power tactics often arise from feeling that one has no choice, that now power is available. analyze your own power currencies when you find yourself saying I have no choice. usually, you are overlooking potential sources of power.

Question 29

Assessing your Relational Power

Answer 29

- since power is a dynamic product of shifting relationships, the amount of power parties have at any one time cannot be measured precisely. one maxim to remember when you are in the middle of a conflict is "each person firmly believes that the other person has more power" - many of the pathologies or misuses of power arise bc the image ppl have of their power and of others is unrealistic. - bc each person in the conflict so often believes that he or she is in the lower-power position, the conflict escalates. ppl use devious and manipulative tactics, since they truly think they have no choice. this PERCEPTION of power is almost always inaccurate. in this section, ways of assessing power more accurately are presented. remember that in emotionally involving conflicts, we usually feel out of power. therefore, feelings are not the only, or event a very, accurate guide. - what might be a better way to assess the various power issues when your emotions are invovled? thinking about power, with the use of concepts and assessment instruments, can help engage your objectivity instead of subjective feelings only. - as you think through what is happening, what has happened in the past, and what you would like to happen in the future, you can gain a healthy distance on a current conflict. - the most common way to measure power is to compare the relative resources of the parties in a conflict. for example, in organizational work, it is generally agreed that power accrues to "those departments that are most instrumental in bringing in or providing resources which are highly valued in the org" - people have power in an organization when they: - are in a position to deal with important problems - have control over significant resources valued by others - are lucky or skilled enough to bring problems and resources together at the same time - are centrally connected in the work flow of the org - are not easily replaced - have successfully used their power in the past.

Question 30

Assessing your Relational Power | continued

Answer 30

- this method of assessing power places high reliance on the resources controlled by a person or group on whom the org. is dependent. although is provides a useful starting point, this method has two limitations 1. it defines resources too narrowly 2. it puts too much emphasis on the source of the influence. overemphasis on the source is characteristic of most studies of power, such as the "bases of power" work of Raven and French. most assessments of power view the relationship as one-way. person A is seen as exerting influence on person B. in a diagram form this would look like this: A--------------->B - the relational perspective presented thus far characterizes the communication as two-way: each p has power WITH THE OTHER. it looks like this AB - most research presents power as as (1) a static individual property, (2) only surveys on respondent in a conflict and (3) disregards the interactional elements of power. - in a research study wives were asked qs such as who decided where the family will take vacay? who decides what job to take? who would decided how you would spend $300? who has the last say about spending money? who is the real boss in the fam? - it seem reasonable that the most powerful member of a fam would be the one who made most of the important decisions; unfortunately, there were difficulties with the popular research method of measuring power. first, the r's did not ask both spouses the q. they might have been given dif. answers if they had asked each partner separately. second, the question asked for "perceived authority"-who the p's thought made the most decisions rather than who actually did. as a result, the p's may well have answered according to who they thought SHOULD have been making decisions. given the sex-role stereotypes of the time period, a woman may have not wanted to tell the r that she was the real boss. whether it was accurate or not, women usually reported that their husbands made most of the decisions.

Question 31

Assessing your Relational Power | continued

Answer 31

- at one time or another, you have probably judged someone as powerful bc he or she controlled the convo. many r's have studied conversational control in couples. assuming that the convo control and power were the same thing, these r's studied who talked the most, who interrupted the most, who changed topics the most, and who engaged in more "one up" moves - these two measures of power, decision making and conversational control, do not measure the same concept. if you look at dif. measures of power, you will probably reach dif. conclusions about who is most powerful. - as we've noted, the key is now the parties PERCEIVE the power each has. from the relational perspective, it goes back to the lens model we presented earlier. conflict parties need to be asked (1) what are your sources of power, (2) what are the other party's sources of power and (3) how does the other see you and his/her sources of power? what you learn is that the parties perceptions are almost always dif. from an outsider view. - one happy, long-term couple who had been married 50 yrs participated in a decision-making task where all disagreements btwn the two were fed back and they were asked to reach a common agreement. of the eight choices, at the end, they were asked "who changed their mind the most" and both of them said "both equally" yet a videotape of the couple clearly showed the husband making four changes and the wife making none. - as an outsider, you would say that the woman was clearly more powerful yet as conflict participants, they clearly did not see that. seeing themselves as equals may of had something to do with their long-term marriage. - you will probably find that almost everyone in the audience has a different way of deciding who is really more powerful. for some it may be nonverbal dominance; for others, vocal quality, for others, the amount of time spent in overt argument or who "wins" at the end or who appears to "let others win." - in essence, no single validating criterion for assessing power has been discovered by researchers; such a specific technique does not exist.

Question 32

Assessing your Relational Power | continued

Answer 32

- power is especially difficult to assess when influence is exercised covertly, or in hidden way.s most of us have trouble deciphering covert power, or choices made based on another person's potential influence. - for example, Will is an outdoorsman who would like to take a weeklong fishing trip, but he knows that his wife will not like being left alone for such an extended period of time since she works and would have to assume all the care of the kids. - will proposes a two day trip and, in the process, talks more and controls the discussion. an observer might guess that will was in control of both process and outcome, since he and his wife agree that he will go on the two day drip. yet, will's convo was structured around his estimate of his wife's reaction. her power was important to his decision, yet an outsider observer could not have know that without asking. - people who look the most powerful to outsiders often are less powerful than they appear. in fact, without knowing the structure of the relationship, you can't guess who has the most power, since ppl balance their power currencies in complex ways. for instance, if one person "lets" the other do the talking for the group, the person who gives tactic permission for the other to talk is actually controlling the situation. gender issues come into play, since women in our culture cannot usually become the more powerful aggressor without facing social disapproval or physical danger. - many women learn to seek safety and power by hiding, becoming invisible, or becoming relationally oriented. whereas a woman's safety and power needs are often met by becoming smaller and less visible, the traditional masculine style of seeking safety is by becoming the feared individual, by becoming bigger and more visible. - a woman's overt use of power often exposes her to denigration and attack, whereas a man's overt use of power may be viewed as evidence that he is a good leader. overt use of power by men at home is judged differently than in some work situations.

Question 33

Assessing your Relational Power | continued

Answer 33

- power can be exercised in ways that look weak. sometimes the most powerful behavior is to appear to submit, yet resist, or act in a nonresistant way. an example of this form of power was Martin Luther King Jr.'s civil right tactics, based on Gandhian principles. civil rights workers were trained to sit down when confronted by power ppl, to protect their bodies if attacked but not to attack in response, and to use nonaggressive verbal responses. as happened in India, weakness in the face of strength made stronger persons question their use of force and coercion. - a less productive "weak" way of exercising power is that of the apocryphal army private who, when ordered to do KP duty, does as sloppy job as possible while asking constantly "is this the way, am I doing it right?" this "reluctant soldier" example can be seen in offices, families, and on work crews where one person is "trying" (but failing)t o get it right. the supervisor, parent, or view boss then gets disgusted and does the job him or herself. - another indirect way to gain power is to refuse to cooperate when other ppl are depending on you. when this tactic is sued in conjunction with unexpressed anger, it is labeled as passive aggressive behavior. in passive aggression, a person acts aggressively (in one's own self-interest without much regard for the other) by being passive, or unconcerned, when the other person needs a response. passive aggression is displayed when ppl feel that they have a low level of power, whether they do or not, since it appears to be a safer way of expressing anger, resentment, or hostility than stating such feelings directly. additionally, "nice" people may use passive aggression instead of direct conflict statements bc they have been taught that i's not nice to engage in conflict. here is a common list of passive aggressive behaviors: - forgetting appointments, promises, agreements - slipping and saying unkind things and then apologizing - acting on NV way such as slamming doors, banging objects and denying that anything is wrong - getting confused, tearful, sarcastic, or helpless when certain topics come up - getting sick when you've promised to do something - scheduling two things at once - evading situations so that others are inconvenienced - a better strategy would be to confront angry feelings directly instead of indirectly. the college professor who double-schedules may feel overloaded and under appreciated but could tell ppl directly that too many appointments are interfering with the rest of his/her work.

Question 34

Power Imbalances

Answer 34

- power is the product of the relationship. keep in mind that possession of power is always a relative judgment - each party has sources of power even during times of power imbalance. - such power asymmetries have predictable effects on both the higher and the lower power parties and the imbalance produces systemwide effects on the relationship. - strong emotions accompany dif. levels of power. think of times when you've felt yourself to be in a position of low power. people often feel hostility or hatred, saying I simply cannot stand his attitude. if i never had to deal with him again i would be glad. or you may feel helpless rage or helpless lethargy. when you feel low power in a relationship that matters, you may feel worthless or unable to influence your situation. you may feel ad, defeated or depressed. - when ppl hold the high power position in an important relationship they may not feel universally pleased at all. ppl who have a lot of power often feel burdened with decision making responsibilities, worry about being blamed and feel responsible for doing more than is good for them. - many type A, overworking people with designated high power do not report feeling happy. instead, they feel misunderstood, resentful of how much responsibility they feel, and unhappy with the attitude or performance of others. neither high nor low positions automatically bring about certain feeling. but you can be sure that an imbalance of power does bring about strong feelings. - these feelings become part of the conflict.

Question 35

Imbalances: High Power

Answer 35

- the exercise of social power for most ppl in the Western culture is satisfying and even produces joy. high power is often a goal ppl strive for; those with less power often feel if i were just the boss things would be a lot better around here. - the major difficulty with having a higher power than someone else is that it may corrupt you. corruption is more than a word that describes a crooked politician. corruption means moral rottenness, an inability to maintain the integrity of the self. - a constant high level of power may "eat into" one's view of self and other, forming a perceptual distortion that may take on monstrous proportions. higher-power persons , orgs, and nations may develop altered views of themselves and other parties. - constant feeling of higher power can result in these consequences: - a "taste of power" and the restless pursuit of more power as an end in itself. - the temptation to use institutional resources illegally as a means of self-enrichment - false feedback concerning self-worth and the development of new values designed to protect power - the devaluing of less powerful and the avoidance of close social contact with them. - the outside consequences of a power imbalance can take many forms. the person highest in power may claim benevolence, that harmful actions are actually for the good of the other person, thereby dismissing on the negative consequences to the lower-power person - when someone is fired from an org, it is common to hear that is was for his/her own good-he or she will be better off spending time doing X. recent work also shows that ppl who are high in power condemned lower power people's cheating yet cheated more themselves- a clear case of hypocrisy. - further, when there is a recognizable victim and perpetrator of angering someone else, the high-power perpetrator regards the angry response of the victim as unjustified

Question 36

Imbalances: | ``` High Power continued ```

Answer 36

- people in helping professions, such as ministers, teachers, health workers, and others, can lose touch with their need to exercise power in order to feel valued and needed. although helpers undoubtedly are in their professions in order to help, they also much have "helpees" or they have no function. how can a physician be a physician without ppl who need healing? how can teachers teach if no one values learning? if helpers do not understand that helping also contributes to their own sense of self-worth and personal fulfillment, the act of helping can become a high-power move. - just as during the Inquisition, when the learned scholars were sure that they were helping the persons accused of heresy, an unrestrained high power may make the powerful party blind to havoc wreaked on the less-powerful party. - you ay have hard times in your personal relationships when power became unbalanced; if so, you know the harm that unrestrained power can bring, whether you were the one with too much power or the one without enough power. - striving for higher power can destroy even the best of relationships. in intimate relationships, the person who is least invested in the r has the most power. paradoxically, decreasing the investment for the purpose of gaining power is ultimately self-defeating, since you have to continue your decreasingly fragile investment in order to remain more powerful. and the lessened dependence can lead to the demise of the relationship. - if you convince yourself that "I don't have to put up with this" then you usually won't have a relationship. - finally, persons, orgs, or nations with higher power can deny that power is exercised; they may deny that there i is even a conflict, or use any of the other forms of denial mentioned earlier. unrestrained higher power corrupt the power holder's view of the self, view of the other and it can set the stage for continued unproductive relationships.

Question 37

Imbalances: Lower Power

Answer 37

- if absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - just as power can corrupt, powerlessness can also corrupt. if lower power ppl are continually subjected to harsh treatment or lack goal attainment, they are likely to produce some organized resistance to the higher power ppl. when one reachers the stage where nothing matters, (one cannot attain his her her goals through accepted means), violence or despair is spawned. it is the person who feels powerless who turns to one extreme or the other - giving up or aggression. - too much losing does not build character, it builds aggression or apathy. a typical example of how perceived unequal power results in aggression is the relationship btwn students and teachers. in one study, when students were asked what they considered doing to resolve conflicts they had with more powerful teachers, they replied using a .357 magnum, blow up his mailbox, sabotage him, beat him up, etc. at the very least, asymmetry in perceived power can lead to coercion in an attempt to get even. most examples of retaliation occur bc the person ding the retaliating perceives himself to be in a lower power positions. - in severe, repetitive conflicts, both parties feel lower power and they continually make moves to increase their power at the other's expense. since, as noted, the assessment of power is problematic, it is very hard to determine the exact levels of power in a conflict. however, if each party believes she or he has less power than the other, a destructive, escalating spiral conflict will usually result. - each party attempts to increase power at the other's expense, with the next round bringing yet more destructive moves. each person feels behind and justified in engaging in dirty moves bc of what the other did.

Question 38

Imbalances: Lower Power

Answer 38

- jake and julie are a couple in their early 40s who have been divorced for two yrs. they share custody of their 14 yr old son tom. julie works as a nurse in a highly stressful clinic. jake works as a seasonal construction worker. jake and julie both feel that the other received more of the marital resources than they should have. feeling low power and taken advantage of by the other, they have continued a bitter argument about who should pay for tom's schooling expenses, even his food and clothes. both say ask your mother or father when tom needs something extra. bc each feels lower power than their former partner, they are communicating to tom that he has no power with them. they are in a higher-power position with their son. tom is alternately furious and depressed since he can't get either parents to pay attention to his needs. he has started hanging out has his gmas house (julie mom). gma feeds tom and takes him shopping for clothes. jake takes this as further evidence that he does not need to provide anything extra. the school counselor asked the adults to come in for a session and discuss how to keep tom from skipping school. - often as with jake and julie, even if both ppl want to act aggressively, there are restraints against doing so. the powerless will try to restore equity and if that fails they have few options; one option is to use passive aggressive behavior. in addition, it is noted that developing severely dysfunctional behavior is an exercise of power that affects all close associates. lower power parties will sometimes destroy a relationship as the ultimate move to bring about a balance of power. jake and julie are perilously close to destroying their relationship with their son. - the combination of denigration from the higher-power person and destructive power-balancing moves from the lower-power person contributes to a system of interactions that is not productive for either party. - a cyclical, degenerative, destructive conflict spiral comes about due to these ongoing interactions. the power disparity promotes struggles over power, increases the underlying bases of the conflict and leads to lessened involvement in the relationship for both parties. when then conflict parties enter a spiral, nobody wins. - craig did no accomplish his goal of starting the community program and marilyn is leaving her job. they achieved a power balance in an unproductive manner, much like in a game of leap frog. when one person is behind, he or she then jumps into the lead, and the other person, sensing that he or she is "losing" does the same. pretty soon, the relationship is suffering and neither person has achieved any of the original goals. - in cases of power disparity, agreements are basically unstable. - the ever-accelerating unproductive moves result from attempts to balance power. the alternative is to balance power through productive avenues and recognize that with extreme power asymmetry, effective long-term relationships are not likely. - a concise visual summary of our power and its effects is in figure 4.3. Cameron and Whetten inspired this graph, which we adapted to an interpersonal orientation. as you can see, both lack of lower (low power) and excessive power (high power) lead to ineffective com. behaviors. when you have sufficient power, your interpersonal behaviors are at their best.

Question 39

Constructive Power Balancing:

Answer 39

- integrative power depends very much on the power on language and communication, especially on the powers of persuasion - Kenneth Boulding, Three Faces of Power - up to this point, various words have been used almost interchangeably - integrative power, both/and power, power with, collaboration, and sharing power. - what is the rationale for viewing power in such terms? is it actually possible to develop practices when power isn't used against people but is used for mutual benefit? - we believe that collaboration and the constructive realignment of power is usually best for all concerned, with the following conditions: - the high power person is not abusing power in a way that takes away all possibility of influence by the lower power person(s) - one person is not lying, distorting or suffering from a disorder of character, such as sociopathy. a sociopath is a person who has no conscience and is not moved by the plight of others. - the long-terms gains are worth the expenditure of energy. - competitive power has its place too. we view competitive power as being useful when the following conditions are in place: - crucial needs of one party are at stake-needs the person is not willing to compromise about unless no other option exists. these might be economic or personal survival, protection of children, avoidance of harm, or protection of crucial sense of self. - competition can lead to collaboration-when the playing field becomes more level.

Question 40

Constructive Power Balancing: | continued

Answer 40

- since destructive conflict are often set off by struggles over perceived power, and given that power is relation, power always is in a state of change. the only q is how one goes about changing power. if you struggle with someone bc you won't give in you are trying to block their exercise of power and they are probably doing the same thing. - the paradox is that the more you struggle against someone, the less power you will have with that person. from a both/and perspective, the more powerful we feel, the more we are setting ourselves up for resistance from the other party. put bluntly. power against is usually eventually blocked and diminished. power over human beings is very complex. other human beings can answer back, fight back, obey or disobey, argue and try to exercise power over us, which a tree never does. - we must recognize that while we need to exercise appropriate power and influence, the other person needs to exercise influence as well, so we might as well cooperate with each other so we can both be effective. - the both/and perspective assumes that you all want to accomplish your goals and that you need each other to do so. since it is the other who is blocking you (and you blocking him or her), integrative power moves beyond the tug-of-war and to a new plane of relationship. - whereas destructive struggling for power leads to a downward spiral of more thwarting and interference and to a lessened ability to accomplish your goals, shared power leads to a synergy of power creation through productive communication. - as you work with each other, each of you stops directly interfering with the other and actively assists the other in getting what he or she wants, and the com. between you serves a transcendent function. by "transcendent" we mean that some new way or "third" way develops that transcends what each party though would be possible. - with cooperation you actually create more power than the two of you could have created separately. shared power is not a weak, tentative approach-it is powerful and energetic and it requires great skill.

Question 41

Constructive Power Balancing: | continued

Answer 41

- collab depends on a model of shared power. rarely will you be in a life situation in which all the power resides with the other, so collab is almost always possible. research makes this clear. Alberts and Discroll demonstrated that satisfied couples will pass, refocus, mitigated or respond to the other rather than struggle over power. the sense of we-ness of working together pulls romantic couples through their first big fight. Gottman makes it clear that successful couples work together to repair their relationship instead of making the other wrong. if they do not learn to see repairs as a matter of course, they do not stay together. - when power is not shared ultimately the relationship will end, with a firing or new job sought and found, in divorce, abandonment, emotional withdrawing, or the continuation of a grim, joyless relationship. - conflict p's are more likely to make a long-range relationship work if they move toward balancing power. models for productive power balancing, although scarce, do exist. in every day life, individuals can learn to cooperate and to reach agreements if power is distributed equitably and fairly. for relationships to work over time, ppl must continually realign the power balance as the situation warrants. - what can friends, co-workers, family members, or intimates do when they discover power asymmetry in their relationships? they can 1. work to make the relationship more equal 2. try to convince themselves and their partners hat the relationships are more equal than they might seem (by restoring psychological equality) 3. eventually abandon the unbalanced relationship - for instance, family members negotiating house hold tasks may say i should get more credit for taking out the garbage than you do for cleaning the counters bc i hate to take out the garbage and you don't mind doing the counters. the person who hates taking out garbage is trying to balance power by restoring psychological fairness. without some power balancing, this relationship is headed toward distress - an interpersonal relationships with a power disparity between p's can achieve a more productive focus by moving toward balance. the destructive attempts by lower-parties to balance power are a move toward balance, but power must be balanced productively to learn to effective management. - power must be realigned in order for sharing to exist.

Question 42

Techniques for Balancing Power

Answer 42

- for most of us, it is easier to think of what to do than to actually do it. one study demonstrated for example, the "illusion of courage in confronting interpersonal conflict. when ppl are asked if they will confront a conflict, they typically say they will yet it doesn't happen." we offer these suggestions for ways to open up a conflict that may help get past the gap between intending to confront and actually confronting. 1. Dialogue 2. Restraint 3. Focus on Interdependence 4. The Power of Calm Persistence 5. Stay Actively Engaged 6. Empowerment of Low-Power People by High-Power People 7. Metacommunication 8. What to Say When You Are Low Power

Question 43

Techniques for Balancing Power 1. Dialogue

Answer 43

- balancing power usually starts not with outside intervention, but with a skill we already possess. - conversation is one of the most important ways of establishing equality - Young-Bruehl and Bethelard - f2f convo remains the starting point to balance power. you may be fairly clear about what you want, what the other person's issues might be, and what the stakes are. - the best first step is to talk directly with the ppl invovled. we continue to witness conflicts that are worsened by emails, policy changes, announcements at meetings, memos, and other forms of avoidance-it seems hard to ppl to talk with each other when feelings are strong. - when bill is coaching execs, after they give all of the details about a coworker who is interfering with them, bills asks if they have told him that and had the convo about it? the answer is always no. he is currently advising Len, a VP, who says my boss is totally unpredictable, one day he loves my work and the next day he is scornful and nasty bill suggested that Len work out a way to give feedback such as I want to do a great job but its hard to me to read what is important to you. one day you say everything was great, then on the next day you show displeasure. give me some guidance on what you want. Len said there was no way she could talk to her boss that way. direct convo can be difficult/may seem difficult for many ppl - in order to be productive, the basic form on convo that helps to balance power invovles: - speaking to the other with a positive tone. your opening words should com. respect should be clear and should show compassion for the perspective of the other. it should also be direct. - listen. play close attention, ask open ended qs, and let the other person know you've heard what they have said. avoid saying i understand you but its just that... this assures that the other will not feel understood. say i think what you saying is that you are uneasy about my plan. when you use the word but, the person hears nothing you've said before that word. - reflect feelings. in addition to listening and reflecting content, reflect the feelings of the other person. this is harder than it seems. often we miss the feeling tone of the other. reflecting feelings might sound like this, you are too pressured to take on a new project now, although you like the sound of it. - clarify what you've heard. you might say let me be sure i understand what you are saying - question when needed. ask qs for which you do not know the answer; avoid asking qs as a way to slip into your own opinion. a good q would sound like tell me more about your concern for you son. what are you worried about? - summarize. you can help track and orient the convo by summarizing what you have both/all talked about so far. avoid adding your own opinion, that comes out later. summarizing might sound like we've identified the issue about scheduling the fam reunion. ppl have a lot of dif ideas about what to meet. some feelings have been hurt already. is this right?

Question 44

Techniques for Balancing Power 2. Restraint

Answer 44

- high power parties can limit their power by refusing to use all the currencies they have at their disposal. a military powerful nation that refuses to invade a neighboring country and a physically powerful spouse who refuses to inflict damage on the other spouse are examples of a higher power party limiting power usage. - if the high power person refuses to engage in "natural" responses, this restraint can alter the automatic nature of a destructive cycle. in this self-regulating approach, power is given to a higher partnership or unit, instead of being use as an individual right. - a nation might avoid an invasion, preferring to work instead with the united nations. a spouse might avoid hurting the partner bc he does not want to risk ending the relationship. art, a college teacher, refuses to use punitive power when students present last min. pleadings for more time to write final papers. instead, art simply says why don't you set a deadline for the final paper that you can meet and ti will be fine with me. what day and time do you want to hand it in? - a married couple found a way to lower one member's economic power, thereby providing more balance in their relationship. they valued monetary equality and were used to having separate accounts and almost the same disposable income. the husband got an unexpected raise, however and suddenly had more money to spend. they began arguing frequently bc he would propose expensive weekends for recreation and his wife had a hard time paying for her half. in response to their increasingly destructive arguments, they decided to set up an automatic savings withdrawal from his monthly paycheck, to be put in a join long-term savings plan. then they would use this money occasionally for a "lost weekend." even tho he still earned more money than his partner, the negative effect on them as a couple was lessened, while he gained the long-term advantages of saving more money. he limited his immediate use of his higher monetary power with positive effects on the couples balance of power.

Question 45

Techniques for Balancing Power 3. Focus on Interdependence

Answer 45

- lower power ppl can highlight the parties dependencies as a way to balance power. high power individuals usually try to minimize interdependence, therefore, lower power parties need to point out how the conflict parties are more related than it might appear. when ppl are scared and feeling powerless, they often angrily demand that their own needs be met or begin to use threats. these are ineffective approaches since the higher power person has the ability to move away or lessen the interdependence. - a thorough understanding of interdependence clarifies power relationships. ppl are interdependent bc they need to get things done and also be acknowledged for their contributions. if john and Sarah are dating and decide to live together, they both increase their dependence on the other. - following Emerson's formula of power-dependence relations, as john becomes more dependent on Sarah, her power increases. likewise, Sarah becomes more dependent on john so his power also increases. when two ppl elevate their dependence on the other, both increase their sources of power. each one expands his or her currencies that are valued by the other. - therefore, power in enduring relationships is not finite-it is an expandable commodity. - the focus shouldn't be on the singular amount of power each one has but the balance of power between them. - this couple may have little power with each other at the beginning of their relationship, later as each develops more power, the other's power rises approximately equally. the absolute amount of power may change, but the crucial issue is the comparative dependence that John and Sarah have on each other. - in the quick it's an emergency case, tom appears to have more power bc he is the boss and helen has lees bc she occupies a lower power position in the org. a closer look shows that the parties are fairly balanced in power. the balancing act is, however, taking a toll on the relationship, and the work could be managed more creatively. - tom is dependent on helen for getting his work out error free, quickly and with the benefit of her experience. he depends on her to respond to his needs before those of the others in the office, since he is carrying more of the work than the other three at his level. he sees himself as a pleasant and non controlling person whose employees work bc they want to. he depends on helen to view him as a reasonable and professional person bc this is how he views himself. helen, however, depends on tom for some of her self esteem. she prizes her ability to skillfully organize her work so that it gets finished on time. she wants to be treated as a valuable decision-making employee. she knows that if tom becomes dissatisfied with her work he will complain to her immediate supervisor in the office, and she might be overlooked or lose her job. - so she depends on his positive ratings, a good work climate and self esteem. restructuring their interactions could allow them to achieve more of their independent and interdependent goals. she could ask tom to help her respond to disparate pressure; he could ask her how to set p a way to take care of emergencies. - a problem solving approach to conflict management would allow both to balance their power collaboratively.

Question 46

Techniques for Balancing Power 4. The Power of Calm Persistence

Answer 46

- lower power people in a conflict often gain more equal power by persisting in their requests. substantive change, when power in unequal, seldom comes about through intense, angry confrontation. - rather, change results from careful thinking and from planning for small, manageable moves based on a solid understanding of the issue. when intensity is high. ppl react rather than observe and think. we over-focus on the other instead of an analysis of the issue and we move toward polarization. - lower power parties cannot afford to blow. one source of power the lower power person has, however, is careful, calm analysis that directs attention to the problem. if lower power ppl have patience and avoid giving up out of frustration, they gain "nuisance value" and the higher power person or group often listens and collabs just to get them to go away. - persuasive skills become crucial. the low power person must analyze the situation well, taking into account what will be judged appropriate, effective, creative and practical. the lower power person must still show respect - several examples of calm persistence illustrated this strategy for increasing one's power. ellen is head of a large, successful consulting org. she travels a lot and has a tightly org. schedule. when her daughter was young, she whined and pouted about not being able to go horseback riding along with her mom. this was ineffective since ellen hates whining. finally, Linda, at age 8 hit upon a solution. she asked her mom for a management meeting. in this meeting, she first impressed her mom with her relationship savvy and she pointed out her complaints and asked for what she wanted. this approach so impressed the mom that with affection and humor they broke through the avoid-pursue spiral. Linda gained power and her mom felt much better about how the two of them were spending time.

Question 47

Techniques for Balancing Power | 4. The Power of Calm Persistence continued

Answer 47

- individuals in conflict with institutions often experience frustrating, demeaning powerlessness and they are shunted from one person to the next. phone calls are not returned and frustration rises dramatically. sometimes only calm, clear persistence increases an individual's power enough for him or her to be heard and dealt with. some suggestions for dealing with large, interpersonal institutions follows: - identify with individuals on the phone by name and ask for them when you call back. - stay pleasant and calm. state clearly what you want and ask for help in solving the issue - follow the rules even if you think they are ridiculous. if they want five copies of a form, typed and folded a certain way, give it to them. then point out that you have followed he rules and expect results - write simple clear memos summarizing what you want, what you have done and when you expect a response - tell them all the steps you took to try and get a reply from them - avoid taking out your frustration on lower power individuals in the org. they may respond with i'm just following the rules avoiding personal responsibility-and who could blame them. instead be courteous, and ask for help. humor always helps if it is not at someone else's expense - escalate only reluctantly. if a nurse is in charge of your health care and does not carry through give her chances to correct her errors. then if that doesn't happen speak directly with her supervisor or the doc and say i don't want to get anyone in trouble but my files still have not been sent and i need them in a week. can you help move this along?

Question 48

Techniques for Balancing Power 5. Stay Actively Engaged

Answer 48

- remaining in a low power position, assuming your weakness is permanent, and using destructive tactics benefits no one, not even the high power person. - the higher power person, who has the power to define the terms of the conflict in her or her own favor, often understands only one side of the conflict. - therefore, the higher power person may not be able to find a constructive solution. ppl who perceive themselves as powerless usually do not talk effectively about their own needs, and after a while, adopt a self defeating accommodating style that becomes fixed, or they may use passive aggressive tactics. - if the fixed power position becomes intolerable, the lower power person may act out of desperation, doing something such as resigning, leaving a romantic relationship, blowing up and antagonizing the high power person so that he or she ends the relationship, threatening self-destructive behavior such as by saying just do what you want, just tell me what to do I'm tired of fighting you win. - the unstable situation invites escalation on the other person's part and may lead to the end of the relationship.

Question 49

Techniques for Balancing Power 5. Stay Actively Engaged

Answer 49

- rather than remaining in self-destructing spirals, Lerner suggests that ppl in low power positions adopt the following moves: - speak up and present a balanced picture of strengths as well as weakness. one might say it's true that i am afraid to ask my boss for a rise even though you want me to. but i earn a steady paycheck and budget a plan well for our family. i want some credit for what i do contribute - make clear what one's beliefs values and priorities are and then keep one's behavior congruent with these. an entry level accountant in a large firm was asked by the comp-troller to falsify taxable deductions, hiding some of the benefits given to the employees. the accounted, just out of a school and a single parent said when you hired me i said i was committed to doing good work and being an honest accountant" - stay emotionally connected to significant others even when things get intense. it takes courage for a low-power person to let another person affect him or her. one teen son was mad and hurt when his dad decided to remarry since the son did not like to new wife and felt disloyal to the mom. after some tough thinking he decided to tell his dad how how felt what he didn't like and what he feared. this convo balanced the power between the father and son in an entirely new way - state differences, and allow others to do the same. the easiest but often not best way for a lower power person to manage conflict is to avoid engagement. again, courage is required to bring up differences when power imbalance is in place.

Question 50

Techniques for Balancing Power 6. Empowerment of Low-Power by High Power People

Answer 50

- sometimes it is to the advantage of higher power groups or ppl to purposely enhance the power of lower power groups or individuals. without this restructuring of power, working or intimate relationships may end or rigidify into bitter, silent, passive aggressive, and unsatisfactory entanglements - currencies valued by higher power ppl can be developed by lower power people if they are allowed more training, more decision making power, or more freedom. in one social service agency, sharon was not doing well at directing a grant-funded program on finding housing for homeless ppl. Jan, the director of the agency, realized that sharon was a good fundraiser but not a good program director. by switching her job description, the agency gained a good employee instead of continuing a series of negative job evaluations that would have resulted eventually in her termination. - empowerment also occurs when third parties are invested with the power to intervene on the behalf of the less powerful person. children who have been abused by their parents or caretakers can be empowered if their plight is reported to the proper agency. the legal system will provide lawyers caseworkers and counselors. our society has decided, by passing certain laws, that extreme forms of power imbalance, such as abuse, will not be allowed to continue when they are discovered. children are empowered by laws that give them rights and give responsibilities to others. - empowerment also works between friends, romantic partners and coworkers. when someone is frustrated and shares that with you, they may be open to trying alternative approaches to heal a relationship. paul is a general contractor who builds houses and kept talking to his friend about how it was impossible for him to please the family. stan asked so who makes the decisions that keep changing? it turned out that paul was responding to the to the architect - then the wife would show up at the job site and ask for changes when the architect wasn't there. then the husband would show up and ask paul to undo changes. stan suggested that paul have all three of them meet with him and clarify the decision making

Question 51

Techniques for Balancing Power 7. Metacommunication

Answer 51

- another way to balance power is to transcend the win/lose structure by jointly working to preserve the relationship during conflict. by metacommunicating during or before conflicts (talking about the relationship or about how the parties will handle their conflicts) the parties can agree about behaviors that will not be allowed such as leaving during the fight - metacommunication means being verbally explicit about the communication. andy says brian i notice that every time i suggest an idea you openly disagree with it that makes me not want to contribute any new ideas. can we figure out a way for you to not always disagree with me? this courteous confrontation would be a forceful metacommunication. - when you can be explicit about the communication, it activates different currencies and will alter the power balance. the person temporarily weaker in the relationship can draw on the relationship currencies, as if the relationship were a bank and the currencies were savings. the weaker party can claim extra space, time, money, training, empathy, other special considerations until power is brought back into an approximation of balance.

Question 52

Techniques for Balancing Power 8. What to Say When You Are Low Power

Answer 52

- some specific low power statements can be used to balance power. the assumption is that they will be used for productive ends to help work through relationship issues. when you are feeling low power try - validating or acknowledging the other "Noah..I appreciate how you.." - using "I" statements such as what I wold like is... - asking the higher power person what he or she needs. sarah i am wondering what would work for you in this situation? - letting the other person know what they can gain from helping you kathy if i'm included in the discussion i will be able to support the decision more fully - announcing all intended escalation and looking for a way out particia i really don't want to go to the union on this issue. i want to reach some understanding so we can put this to rest - expressing optimism such as hey i know that if we just sit down together and talk we can resolve this pretty easily - slow the process: i feel like a tidal wave of reasons why we can't try my idea are washing over me. could we slow down the discussion and take my ideas one by one? - show concern for the relationship: i feel like we are digging ourselves deeper into a hole. how can we get out of this? - use a metaphor: i feel like i'm swimming upstream. how we can make this easier for both of us? or i feel swamped with all of these new ideas can we take them one at a time? - say something true and affirming about the other person, and then make a request - describe the situation thoroughly

Question 53

Balancing Power Requires Courage and Creativity

Answer 53

- most of us are caught in a paradox of power. to be effective ppl, we need to maximize our abilities, take advantage of opportunities, and use resources at our disposal so we can lead the kind of lives we desire. - yet within the confines of an ongoing relationship, maximization of individual power is counterproductive for both the higher power and lower power parties. - the unrestrained maximization of individual power leads to damaged relationships, destructive moves, more destructive countermoves, and the eventual ending of the relationship - since ppl are going to take steps to balance power-destructively, if no other means available- we can better manage conflict by working to balance conflict is productive and creative ways. - equity in power reduces violence and enables all p's to continue working for the good of all parties, even in conflict.

Question 54

SUMMARY

Answer 54

- ppl usually have negative connotations of power - designated power, distributive power, and integrative power - power is presented as a relational concept rather than as an attribute to an individual. - our power currencies are described as "spendable" items that can be used in conflict relationships. - power imbalances often impede conflict management; the various ways to deal wit too much or too little power are described.