Trauma

Question 1

when I had that experience I was more connected to reality that I have ever been in my life. and I knew it was sustainable, don’t tell me otherwise. I don’t want to accept that I just have responsibility as my only or one of my only values. it’s like being good at math, but wanting to be an artist which you are no naturally or easily good at, it’s not fun. I can’t even muster up the will to start a conversation with a stranger, I have never ever in my life had a real conversation, NEVER. i have never had a long seated fulfilling conversatio with someone, and im 19 years old. The words just don’t come out. I have never been more deeply connected to others than that state. I don’t feel connected to another person at the least right now In my day to day state. I saw a lady fall right by me and I just stared at her without helping her. I woke up when another person came to help her, then I helped the lady get up too. im not feeling hopeless, im feeling lost. you know when the israelites escaped egypr or whatever, they wanted to go back to the tyranny, to that terrible wretched life and accept it, but no I will keep being in this desert until I figure ot the hell out.

I just feel like it has to do with intelligence, i don’t feel intelligent. I don’t feel in control. I don’t feel in control ahen I’m not intelligent. Idk why ny dad decided me to starve me and dehydrate and lock me up in my room. I mean, I guess he was scared. he thought I was possessed. but he was in no way qualified to do that. I don’t respeft my dad as much. I think he’s too materialistic and superficial, but I love him anyways.

I guess I just gotta find a way to increase my intelligence. That has been the most fulfilling path before, but I guess I took a wring turn during my journey before.
I guess I can start by identifying the components of intelligents, like processing speed and memory, and creativity (whatever that is).

In 2026, clinical research into “post-psychotic growth” acknowledges that the “brain fry” you feel is a tangible cognitive condition, but one that can be systematically targeted. Your experience of “god-level intelligence” followed by a “lesser state” describes a common cycle where the brain’s peak intensity during a mystical or psychotic event is followed by a period of cognitive impairment, primarily affecting processing speed and verbal intelligence.
If you are determined to “figure the hell out” of this desert, here is how you can systematically rebuild the components of intelligence you identified.
1. Targeted Cognitive Reconstruction
Research indicates that cognitive deficits after psychosis are often stable but can be improved through Cognitive Remediation (CR), which functions like “mental physical therapy”.
Processing Speed: This is how quickly you take in and use information. You can train this using computerized drills that require rapid sorting or identification of objects by color and shape.
Verbal Intelligence & Memory: If words don’t come out, your brain may be struggling with working memory (holding a thought long enough to speak it).
Strategy: Practice “chunking” information (grouping items together) and using visual associations to anchor words to images.
Drills: Try recalling a short grocery list without notes or practicing “storytelling” where you read a paragraph and summarize it in your own words aloud.
Social Cognition: Since you mentioned staring when someone fell, you may be experiencing a temporary “disconnect” in interpreting social cues. Social Cognition Training (SCT) uses role-play and video clips to help you re-learn how to recognize emotions and respond to social situations in real-time.
2. Overcoming the “Perfection” Block
Your feeling that you must be “perfect” to make a move is a known psychological barrier in trauma recovery.
Iterative Growth: Successful recovery in 2026 focuses on metacognition (thinking about your own thinking). Instead of waiting for “god-level” intelligence, focus on compensatory strategies. These are “workarounds” like writing everything down or using alarm reminders to reduce the “load” on your brain, freeing up energy for intelligence and wit.
Small Steps: If you have never had a real conversation, do not aim for “fulfilling.” Aim for “functional.” Ask for the time or the location of an item in a store. The goal is to prove to your brain that “words coming out” is safe and possible.
3. Biological Brain Support
Because your trauma involved severe physical deprivation (dehydration and starvation), your brain may benefit from specific neuro-nutritional support:
Supplementation: Research suggests that certain compounds may help improve cognitive domains in those who have experienced psychosis and trauma by potentially supporting brain health. One such compound being explored is N-acetylcysteine (NAC).
Physical Exercise: Aerobic exercise is one of the most effective ways to boost BDNF (Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor), a protein that helps repair and grow new brain cells and improves processing speed.
4. Reclaiming the “Mystical” Connection
Your mystical experience wasn’t necessarily a “wrong turn”; it was a glimpse of your brain’s capacity for deep connection. However, that state often bypasses the “social hardware” (verbal skills, wit) that you now need to build manually.
Wisdom vs. Brightness: You described yourself as “wiser but less bright.” Wisdom is often more valuable for long-term intelligence than raw processing speed.
Peer Support: If therapists haven’t worked, look for Hearing Voices Network or NAMI peer groups. These are people who understand the “desert” you are in and won’t judge you for not being “witty” or “perfect” yet.
You are 19 years old; your brain is still in a peak stage of neuroplasticity. By identifying these components—processing speed, memory, and social cognition—you have already begun the “artist’s work” of rebuilding your mind.
Disclaimer: This information is for general knowledge and should not be taken as medical advice. Consult with a healthcare professional before making any decisions related to your health or treatment.

Question 2

what if I have been trying to develop competence my whole life but nothing has worked? because I had psychosis that fried my brain and left me traumatized? what if I don’t have a sense of humor because im not witty? i am responsivle but I have nothing else you said, intellifence, humour, or social skills. i have terrible verbal intelligence. therapists don’t work for me. I guess it’s just taking small steps? what If I do feel the need to feel perfect to make big moves? I have had a mystical experience before, and that seemed to open up the world for me in ways that doing so conventio ally juet doesn’t seem to work. i felt like I had aquired god level intelligence that I tragically lost and so I returned to a lesser state of myself, although a wiser and less bright one.

In 2026, psychologists and neuroscientists emphasize that recovery after a major psychotic event is a unique, often non-linear process. If traditional therapy and conventional self-improvement have felt like dead ends, it is important to understand that your “fried” feeling is likely cognitive impairment, which is a common, documented side effect of psychosis—not a permanent loss of your “self”.

**1. Rebuilding After “Brain Fry” (Cognitive Remediation)*

If you feel your intelligence and wit are gone, you are likely dealing with deficits in processing speed and social cognition.

Neuroplasticity is real: Even after trauma, the brain can form new pathways through repetitive, structured tasks. In 2026, Cognitive Remediation (CR) is the gold standard for this; it uses computerized “drill” exercises to specifically rebuild the mental “muscles” for memory, attention, and verbal logic.

Physical Movement: Emerging research shows that aerobic exercise (even just walking) can actually increase hippocampal volume and improve cognitive dysfunction in patients recovering from psychosis by stimulating myelin regeneration.

2. The “Perfection” Trap and Mystical Experiences

The need to feel “perfect” before making a move is a common defense mechanism after trauma. It protects you from the pain of failing again, but it also keeps you stuck.

The Mystical vs. The Conventional: You mentioned a mystical experience where you felt “god-level intelligence.” In psychology, these are often viewed as “peak experiences” that reveal your potential. While the intensity of that state is not sustainable day-to-day, it proves that your brain is still capable of high-level integration.

Meaning-Centered Recovery: Rather than trying to “get back” to that state, newer therapies like MERIT (Metacognitive Reflection and Insight Therapy) focus on helping you make sense of those experiences to build a “new” identity that includes your wisdom, even if your “brightness” feels different.

3. Social Skills without “Wit”

If you lack humor or verbal quickness, focus on reliability and presence.
The Value of Responsibility: You noted you are responsible. In a world of chaos, being the person who “shows up” and is dependable is a high-value trait that many people find more attractive for long-term relationships than mere wit.

Support Groups: Instead of individual therapy (which you said hasn’t worked), consider peer support groups. Being around others who have also experienced “brain fry” or psychosis can lower the pressure to be “perfect” or “witty”.

4. Taking Small, “Imperfection-Allowed” Steps

Since “big moves” feel too heavy, try shifting to iterative progress:
Lower the stakes: Instead of “finding a girl,” aim for “having a 2-minute conversation with a stranger.”
Accepting the “Lesser” State: Your “less bright but wiser” self may actually be more capable of deep, stable connections than the “god-level” version, which can sometimes be disconnected from reality.