Self-Determination Theory:
we are happiest when engaging in activities that meet the following needs:
- Relatedness = feel close to others
- Competence = feel confident & capable
- Autonomy = feel that we can choose & control our own actions
= predicts sexual & relationship satisfaction
SDT makes distinction between autonomous and controlled motivation
What is the difference?
- Sex is more enjoyable when pursued for autonomous reasons—e.g.,
➢ Because it feels good and enjoy the intimacy it brings
➢ Because you see it as valuable part of the relationship - In contrast to controlled reasons
➢E.g., felt pressured to, felt it would be embarrassing to refuse
➢ Associated with higher levels of sexual dysfunction & dissatisfaction
On days when people had autonomous reasons for sex (e.g., enjoyment, personal
value), they reported…
- Higher sexual well-being
- More positive emotions
- Fewer negative emotions
On days with controlled reasons (e.g., obligation, pressure), they reported…
the opposite occurred — more negative emotions and lower well-being.
Where does autonomous motivation come from?
On days when partners felt their basic needs were supported —
* Autonomy: respected, given space, free to choose
* Competence: valued, appreciated
* Relatedness: cared for, emotionally connected
* —their autonomous sexual motivation increased, which in turn predicted
higher sexual well-being
What are interdependence dilemma?
Interdependence dilemmas involve deciding whether to act communally, (prioritizing the partner’s needs over one’s own) or individualistically (focusing
on one’s own needs)
- With increasing interdependence & commitment, transformation of
motivation from individualistic to communal
What are people high in communal strength like?
Individuals high in communal strength motivated to respond to partner in ways that will enhance partner’s well-being without expectation of tit-for-tat
reciprocation
➢ Focus on compassion rather than fairness—trust that it will balance out in
the long run
What is Sexual communal strength?
- Willingness to meet partner’s sexual needs, even when different from one’s
own preferences - Keeping an open mind and trying to understand partner’s desires
- Or, if turning down partner, doing it sensitively—reassuring partner of love &
continuing attraction - Also means understanding & accepting partner’s need not to engage in sex—
responding with understanding instead of hostility or insecurity
(no points keeping)
Linked to autonomous sexual motivation
What is Unmitigated sexual communion?
- Prioritizing partner’s needs to the neglect of one’s own
- Driven by controlled motives (e.g., guilt, obligation, fear of rejection).
- Leads to lower satisfaction, detachment, and distress
- Can even make partners feel pressured or guilty — undermining both people’s autonomy
Which attachment style more often uses unmitigated sexual communion?
attachment anxiety
less likely to engage in sex for autonomous
reasons
* Worry about their sexual attractiveness & desirability, mate poaching
* Tend to use sex to meet needs for emotional intimacy & reassurance
➢ E.g., as a way to be closer to partner, extract greater commitment, decrease
feelings of anxiety & distress
o May contribute to intrusive or coercive behaviour
* Focus on pleasing partner but seem to be driven more by avoidance motivation
How sexually satisfied are anxious people?
Focused too much on partner
Experience less sexual satisfaction
➢Less motivated by focus on own physical pleasure & less likely to
communicate sexual needs & preferences to partner
- Also places them at greater risk of engaging in unsafe sexual practice
Do anxious ppl do exchange oriented or communal in the bedroom?
Avoidantly attached individuals more likely to be exchange-oriented rather than communal in the bedroom
Why are anxious people more likely to have sex for controlled reasons?
➢ E.g., self-enhancement and self-presentation motives (e.g., to boost social status/ lose virginity/etc)
➢ In relationships, to avoid negative partner affect
- Higher Sociosexual orientation, more one-night stands, mate poaching
➢ Not explained by higher desire - Discomfort with closeness may interfere with psychological intimacy in sexual situation
Beliefs about relationships and sex:
Destiny vs Growth beliefs?
Destiny beliefs: People are either compatible or they are not
Growth beliefs: Relationship challenges
can be overcome
What are Sexual growth beliefs?
- Sexual satisfaction requires effort & work
What are “Sexpectations”?
Beliefs about sex
* Extends to lay beliefs about how sexual satisfaction can be attained & maintained over time
What are Sexual destiny beliefs?
- Natural compatibility between partners is key to sexual satisfaction
- Struggles in a sexual relationship are a sure sign the relationship will fail
- A couple is destined to have a satisfying sex life or they are no
Does destiny or growth beliefs foster better satisfaction?
- Sexual growth beliefs associated with higher levels of sexual & relationship
satisfaction for both self and partner
➢True even when undergoing major transition like parenthood - Impact of sexual destiny beliefs on relationship quality depends on degree of
sexual disagreements in relationship
➢Lower relationship quality when experiencing disagreements about sexual
relationship (Which are very common! Recall, for example, gender differences in
sex drive )- Trying circumstances = ppl with destiny with struggle
What is Sexual communication?
(three things)
- Disclosure
- Quality
- Frequency
➢ Degree of sexual self-disclosure (discussion of sexual preferences, desire to
engage in certain activities, sexual attitudes & values)
➢ Quality of sexual communication (satisfaction with communication, feeling
that can talk to partner about positive & negative aspects of sexual relationship)
➢ Frequency of sexual communication
Sexual communication associated with:
➢ Improvement in all domains of sexual function (desire, arousal, erection, lubrication, orgasm, less pain)
➢ Greater sexual satisfaction
➢ Greater relationship satisfaction
- Sexual communication uniquely predicts sexual & relationship satisfaction over and above general communication
- Better sexual communication in gay & lesbian couples may contribute to more enjoyable sexual experience
How much do couples experience sexual disagreements?
Do sexual desire disagreements effect relationship satisfaction?
1/3 of couples in long-term relationships report experiencing sexual issues
(e.g., disagreements about preferred sexual frequency)
Sexual conflicts have stronger impact on relationship quality than non-sexual
conflicts
* Effective communication is crucial for navigating these disagreements—but
it’s not easy
What are barriers to sexual communication?
- Sexual topics usually avoided
- Often have poor understanding of partners dislikes / likes
- Fear that sexual communication will threaten relationship
➢May discover incompatible preferences
➢Talking about problems may make things worse
➢Disclosing past sexual experiences may cause conflict - Fear of experiencing shame & embarrassment (threat to self)
➢Might reveal personal inadequacies - Similar barriers for both sexual and non-sexual conflict discussions (i.e., threat
to relationship, threat to self, threat to partner
What is More important than duration of
sex & foreplay?
Duration of post-sex affection associated with greater sexual & relationship satisfaction
Espc. With married couples with kids
What is Cognitive reappraisal?
emotion regulation strategy involving re-evaluating and reframing the meaning or significance of a situation
➢E.g., instead of “I’m going to embarrass myself”
➢“This is an opportunity to get closer to my partner”
➢By construing the situation as less aversive, will be less likely to avoid
(Way to help sexual communication)
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Class 114
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Class 261
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Class 315
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Class 433
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Class 529
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Class 619
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Class 724
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Class 823
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Class 915
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Class 1021
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Class 1133
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Class 1226
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Class 1322
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Class 14: Attachment 138
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Class 1526
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Class 1631
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Class 17: Sexuality 138
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Class 1842
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Class 19: Conflict 153
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Class 2041
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Class 21: Gaslighting8
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Class 22: Power, Influence, & Violence 132
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Class 2316
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Class 24: Relationship dissolution 17
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Class 2543
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Singlehood16
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Couples Therapy8
