Instead of rehearsing thoughts related to victimhood & righteous indignation, how can we productive?
Challenge your mindset
Instead of rehearsing thoughts related to victimhood & righteous indignation,
examine how you contribute to the negative dynamics in your relationship
How can u challenge your mindset when in a demand / withdraw pattern?
E.g., in demand-withdraw pattern
➢ As demander, your criticisms and attempts to control your partner are
threatening them & pushing them away
➢ As withdrawer, your stonewalling & turning away from the partner thwarts their needs & leads them to escalate their demand
How can you challenge your mindset with the tendency to rewrite history (memory bias)?
Remember what you like about your partner
➢ Push back against tendency to rewrite history (memory bias)
- Communicate positive regard & admiration for your partner
- Instead of seeing argument as a way to retaliate or exert control over your partner, think of a way you can improve both your outcomes
- Try to foster a sense of optimism about the problem
Successful conflict management requires…..?
requires self-control
➢ Factors that weaken our inhibitions or strain our cognitive resources (e.g., alcohol, stress, lack of sleep) increase irritability,
decrease perspective taking, and make a destructive response more likely
What does John Gottman recommend?
John Gottman recommends scheduling a time to politely air out grievances
➢ Addressing issues pre-emptively when we are feeling calm may help avoid the disastrous combo of provocation + low
self-control
Even fairly trivial events (e.g., “but you promised that we would go the Renaissance Fair this weekend”) can contribute to intense feelings of hurt because such events show us:
events signal low relational value (that our partner does not value us as much as we would like them to
perpetrator may fail to grasp significance of event for victim
What are betrayals?
Certain relationship experiences are aversive because they violate our
expectations for relationship partners (betrayals)
➢ Expectations of trust, caring, faithfulness & exclusivity (in monogamous
relationship)
- Includes infidelity (cheating), unmet obligations, broken promises, disclosure
of secrets
How does the actor-observer difference contribute to differences in perspective?
➢ As actors, take into account external pressures, mitigating circumstances (When its about me)
➢ As observers, more likely to make dispositional (internal) attribution (When its about you)
What happens when you ask ppl to imagine themselves committing infidelity?
When Ps imagine committing sexual infidelity, they externalize blame for
infidelity (to their partners, external circumstances) & minimize magnitude of
emotional harm to partners
How do we have a self serving bias on how we interpret events?
Simply being asked to identify with the perpetrator of a relational transgression leads Ps to recall scenario in a way that puts perpetrator in better light
What happens when you ask ppl to imagine themselves committing infidelity? (But they have either been a perpetrator / victim of it in the past)
Ps with prior experience as both infidelity perpetrators & victims more likely to
make external blame attributions when in position of perpetrator rather than
victim
- Particularly true of individuals high in avoidant attachment & narcissism
➢ Ps also rate infidelity as having had a stronger emotional impact on them
than their infidelity had on their partner
What’s the difference between sexual / emotional infidelity?
➢ Sexual infidelity = involves sexual acts or behaviours clearly signalling desire for sexual involvement (e.g., sexual intercourse, making out, intimate caressing)
- Generally more likely to be interpreted as infidelity
➢ Emotional infidelity = involves development of close bond with another, often to the point that primary partner is ignored or excluded (e.g., intimate disclosures, secrecy, physical affection, spending time together doing intimate activities)
- More ambiguous & open to interpretation
What is important to note about infidelity?
Many people disagree if certain behaviours qualify
How common is infidelity?
21% Women
30% men
(probs higher with dating couples)
(Also Social desirability)
If infidelity is widely frowned upon, why is it so prevalent?
Evolutionary perspective
- Extrapair mating may provide reproductive advantage
- Male perspective: mating with more females would increase fitness
- Female perspective: less obvious benefit (given greater investment in pregnancy) & more risks (e.g., violence)
➢ However, may still be adaptive due to ability to improve genetic quality of
offspring
* But beware of the naturalistic fallacy!
Risk factors for infidelity:
Individual differences (attachment styles)
+ Attachment anxiety
➢ Mixed evidence: highly motivated to maintain relationship, but may engage
in infidelity as a way of seeking validation, fulfilling unmet needs
+/- Attachment avoidance
➢ Inconsistent
➢ Some studies: more attention to alternatives, more permissive infidelity
attitudes, higher reported cheating
o Mechanism: lower commitment
Risk factors for infidelity:
Individual differences (Dark Triad)
+ Narcissism (self-superiority, low empathy)
➢ Global narcissism shows mixed links to infidelity
➢ Narcissism specific to sexual domain (sexual entitlement, exploitation,
inflated sense of sexual skill) may be better predictor
+ Psychopathy (callousness, low empathy, indifference to consequences)
➢ Partners of high-psychopathy partners may be more likely to cheat as well
(especially women)
+ Machiavellianism (manipulative, exploitative
Risk factors for infidelity:
Individual differences (Big 5)
(What are the three?)
Conscientiousness = (Predicts being faithful)
- Low in this = Predicts your partners infidelity
- They feel you don’t care and go cheat
Agreeableness =
-Low = Prone to infidelity
➢ Some studies: less agreeable partners → lower satisfaction → higher cheating
➢ Other studies: more agreeable partners more likely to be cheated o
Extraverts = More likely to cheat (opportunities)
Risk factors for infidelity:
Individual differences
- Potential causes of inconsistencies
➢ Difficulty measuring infidelity
➢ Different operationalization
➢ Dependencies on context and stage of the relationship
Risk factors for infidelity:
Individual differences (sociosexuality)
+ Unrestricted sociosexuality (higher in it)
➢ More permissive attitudes towards infidelity, higher prone to cheat
➢ Unclear whether commitment serves as protective mechanism
Risk factors for infidelity:
Relational factors
Commitment?
Commitment is a powerful, prospective predictor of infidelity
➢ Recall pillars of commitment: satisfaction, perceived quality of alternatives,
investments,
Risk factors for infidelity:
Relational factors (general)?
Factors that undermine satisfaction & increase perceived quality of alternatives:
➢ Partner betrayals
➢ Breakdown of communication
➢ Low perceived potential for self-expansion
- Difficult to sustain long term; may look outside of relationship to recreate
feeling of exhilaration
Risk factors for infidelity: Situational factors
* Risky context
➢ Availability of attractive alternatives
➢ Being away from relationship partner
➢Factors reducing inhibition (e.g., alcohol, drug consumption)
* Multiple vulnerabilities combined with a precipitating event may culminate in
infidelity
Consequences of infidelity
- On partner
➢ Can resemble symptoms of post-traumatic stress: protracted sadness and depression, anxiety, rumination & intrusive flashbacks, emotional numbness
➢ Can lead victim to re-evaluate not just current relationship but undermine one’s view of relationships in general, threatens attachment security
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Class 114
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Class 261
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Class 315
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Class 433
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Class 529
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Class 619
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Class 724
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Class 823
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Class 915
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Class 1021
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Class 1133
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Class 1226
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Class 1322
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Class 14: Attachment 138
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Class 1526
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Class 1631
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Class 17: Sexuality 138
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Class 1842
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Class 19: Conflict 153
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Class 2041
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Class 21: Gaslighting8
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Class 22: Power, Influence, & Violence 132
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Class 2316
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Class 24: Relationship dissolution 17
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Class 2543
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Singlehood16
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Couples Therapy8
